onwards and upwards
I guess this post is going to be a reflective one, looking back on what has happened throughout this year so far. And that is a lot! I can't quite believe just how much has happened and changed. Change is a weird thing because it happens so quickly and frequently before you've even got time to reflect on it or even realise it's happening or has happened. A lot of shit has happened this year (won't go into detail, this is not my sob story for X Factor) but I'm finally looking at the positives. This honestly isn't meant to be a soppy, get-your-violins-out post, it's just a self-reflection for me I guess. I didn't think coming home from Uni was going to be a good thing for me at all, I loved having people around me all of the time- in fact, I relied on it a lot. Although I live with my younger brother, younger sister, Mother and Step Dad, it's still not the same as having all of your friends around you whenever you want. I was almost scared to lose that.
The first few days at home were really hard, my parents would be in bed by half 10, my brother wasn't home from the Army at this point and my little sister was in bed by 8 which left me by myself with a fuck load to think about and I wasn't in the mood to see people which made things worse. I'm not good at bringing my problems up so I always find it difficult to accept that I need someone to talk to in person about them. Recently though, I have come to realise that coming home has definitely done me good. It's weird how you can think something is such a bad idea at the time but then just adapt to it. I'm so glad to be home, my friends are just the best people in the world and we always have the best of times. It's been good not being reminded of people and things you don't want to- they're the best distraction I could ask for.
I've just got back from going away with some awesome friends in a caravan not far from my house but it was still really lovely to get away for four days. Just to escape it all. All i've done recently is think about ways I could change what happened between my ex and I, since being home I've realised that I don't need to change at all. I like who I am and every day I'm getting a little part of me back that I lost and I can't begin to tell you how good that feels. Few people know how shit the last few months have been for me (and no, not just because I split up with the person I loved.. but that didn't help) and I've felt so down about it, constantly blaming myself and thinking I'm not good enough but all that it has taken to show me I am good enough has been coming home. People that I never even knew cared about my feelings at all have been beyond lovely and so many people have been so very supportive. People I barely even know.. (THANK YOU!)
I feel really good recently. I don't want to jinx it but things really are looking up for me. I have the closure I want and needed and of course it feels shit losing someone you love but I tried my very hardest and I will never regret that, I made a promise and even if he doesn't care, I was going to keep it. I've learnt that if my absence doesn't alter your life then my presence has no meaning in it. I've also learnt that if you're down, the best thing to do is just stay down. There's no point in rushing it- that won't help, it will come when it comes and you'll feel better when you feel better, not because you've tried to make yourself feel better. Don't get back on your feet until you're prepared to stand. Don't get up until you can understand why you fell. Most of the time it's because you were weighing down someone who could or would no longer hold you, you gave someone your power and forgot about yourself in the meantime. I'm aware this all sounds hella cringe but once you can accept this, it really does help. That's why I never tried to get over my ex straight away, I knew it was over but that wasn't enough for me to stop trying. I've stopped now and I feel really good about it. I've realised I don't need a guy to make me happy, I have my amazing friends for that. And funnily enough, since being single I've had quite a bit of male attention (no idea why but very flattering!) and I've started to rekindle with people, too. Equally as flattering.
"You can ask the universe for all the signs you want, but, ultimately, we see what we want to see when we want to see it"- here's to looking forward! It's a good life, Hazel Grace.
(next post will have less cheese, I promise. BUT I'M HAPPY SO SUCK IT) x
The first few days at home were really hard, my parents would be in bed by half 10, my brother wasn't home from the Army at this point and my little sister was in bed by 8 which left me by myself with a fuck load to think about and I wasn't in the mood to see people which made things worse. I'm not good at bringing my problems up so I always find it difficult to accept that I need someone to talk to in person about them. Recently though, I have come to realise that coming home has definitely done me good. It's weird how you can think something is such a bad idea at the time but then just adapt to it. I'm so glad to be home, my friends are just the best people in the world and we always have the best of times. It's been good not being reminded of people and things you don't want to- they're the best distraction I could ask for.
I've just got back from going away with some awesome friends in a caravan not far from my house but it was still really lovely to get away for four days. Just to escape it all. All i've done recently is think about ways I could change what happened between my ex and I, since being home I've realised that I don't need to change at all. I like who I am and every day I'm getting a little part of me back that I lost and I can't begin to tell you how good that feels. Few people know how shit the last few months have been for me (and no, not just because I split up with the person I loved.. but that didn't help) and I've felt so down about it, constantly blaming myself and thinking I'm not good enough but all that it has taken to show me I am good enough has been coming home. People that I never even knew cared about my feelings at all have been beyond lovely and so many people have been so very supportive. People I barely even know.. (THANK YOU!)
I feel really good recently. I don't want to jinx it but things really are looking up for me. I have the closure I want and needed and of course it feels shit losing someone you love but I tried my very hardest and I will never regret that, I made a promise and even if he doesn't care, I was going to keep it. I've learnt that if my absence doesn't alter your life then my presence has no meaning in it. I've also learnt that if you're down, the best thing to do is just stay down. There's no point in rushing it- that won't help, it will come when it comes and you'll feel better when you feel better, not because you've tried to make yourself feel better. Don't get back on your feet until you're prepared to stand. Don't get up until you can understand why you fell. Most of the time it's because you were weighing down someone who could or would no longer hold you, you gave someone your power and forgot about yourself in the meantime. I'm aware this all sounds hella cringe but once you can accept this, it really does help. That's why I never tried to get over my ex straight away, I knew it was over but that wasn't enough for me to stop trying. I've stopped now and I feel really good about it. I've realised I don't need a guy to make me happy, I have my amazing friends for that. And funnily enough, since being single I've had quite a bit of male attention (no idea why but very flattering!) and I've started to rekindle with people, too. Equally as flattering.
"You can ask the universe for all the signs you want, but, ultimately, we see what we want to see when we want to see it"- here's to looking forward! It's a good life, Hazel Grace.
(next post will have less cheese, I promise. BUT I'M HAPPY SO SUCK IT) x
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