everything I didn't say
I think the worst part about a break up is that once it’s all said and done, you have a moment where you realise - fuck, it’s really over. That no matter what happens from this moment forward, no matter what scenario’s you play in your head and no matter how many times you can hope and pray that they will realise they’ve made a mistake and actually they love you and they want you back. Pushing all of that to one side, actually things will probably never be the same between you again. I hate the thought of that. I want things to be just as they were.
I think the thing with break ups is that when it’s over, you’ve got people around you (hopefully) to support you and make you feel loved where love is lost. This wears off after a few weeks and then slowly the topic of ‘you’ never really gets brought up again. No one asks. No one wants to bring it up because they assume you wouldn’t want to discuss it. I start feeling like I’m getting on peoples nerves - oh, she’s talking about it again. For fuck sake, it’s not all about you, you know. Of course, this is not what they actually think, rather my insecurities playing tricks on me. The worst part is where your name is not brought up anymore. Secretly I am glad because talking about you hurts. What hurts more is that you are not a topic of conversation and now you really feel like a ghost of the person I once knew. I know little about you now. I no longer even know where you live, which feels weird. It's like not recognising the place you call home.
I think I am scared for the time where people assume you have gotten over it or are getting over it or should have gotten over it. I don’t want there to be a time where I definitely should be over it, because I can tell you now I will almost certainly not be over it. I think heartache stays with you for a really long time, and my heart has never ached or longed for a person so much before. I feel like an idiot for opening up my heart to someone who, after all, was not deserving of my love. My love for you knew no bounds. I keep asking myself when you stopped loving me. You would think that you would realise if the person you spent every day with was going off of you. Sadly, it doesn't really work like that. How did I not notice that you lost interest in the stories I told? or that your eyes did not light up when you saw me? I often wonder what I could have done to have made you want to stay. Truth is, I don’t think there was anything I could have done. The heart wants what it wants. I do not want to make you stay when you want to leave. I’ve had a few people say to me that I need to start deleting the pictures, the texts. I don’t want to delete.. to me, to delete means to forget and I don’t want to forget about a single day we spent together. I did not just lose a boyfriend that day, but a best friend too. You were my partner in crime, my side kick and everything in between. I lost a part of myself that day, too. I will probably never see her again.
I believe you do not get only one love in this life. Up until you, I thought I had been in love before. You were the love that made all the other loves irrelevant. It wasn’t until you came along that I realised what a true relationship was and how it should be. I hope that after you I will have this same realisation. I am trying to tell myself that I should be grateful I got to experience this kind of love in the first place - this hurts, but not to love would be a worse fate. How naive I was to think that we could share a love so real. How could you have ever truly loved me if it were that easy for you to walk away? Maybe you got too used to having me around. What's embarrassing is that you were first and foremost my friend and you dropped me so easily. As soon as you decided it was over, that was it. It's like you were able to just flick a switch. I was totally erased from your life. I had to go from speaking to you every single day without fail to suddenly cutting contact because you didn’t want to speak to me. I wanted so badly to tell you about my day and just to kiss you one last time. (I also have to buy pre-grated cheese now because that was your job. I have to cut the pizza by myself too - you know I hated that. Also, how did you ever get the potato gratin out of that plastic?!) All the little things you take for granted, I wanted them back now more than ever. I really have no idea what happened between us. I want answers that I will never receive and if I did, it would probably be too late to hear them. I wanted you to fight for me because I am worth the fight. I wanted you to work at this because our relationship was worth working out.
I think the thing with break ups is that when it’s over, you’ve got people around you (hopefully) to support you and make you feel loved where love is lost. This wears off after a few weeks and then slowly the topic of ‘you’ never really gets brought up again. No one asks. No one wants to bring it up because they assume you wouldn’t want to discuss it. I start feeling like I’m getting on peoples nerves - oh, she’s talking about it again. For fuck sake, it’s not all about you, you know. Of course, this is not what they actually think, rather my insecurities playing tricks on me. The worst part is where your name is not brought up anymore. Secretly I am glad because talking about you hurts. What hurts more is that you are not a topic of conversation and now you really feel like a ghost of the person I once knew. I know little about you now. I no longer even know where you live, which feels weird. It's like not recognising the place you call home.
I think I am scared for the time where people assume you have gotten over it or are getting over it or should have gotten over it. I don’t want there to be a time where I definitely should be over it, because I can tell you now I will almost certainly not be over it. I think heartache stays with you for a really long time, and my heart has never ached or longed for a person so much before. I feel like an idiot for opening up my heart to someone who, after all, was not deserving of my love. My love for you knew no bounds. I keep asking myself when you stopped loving me. You would think that you would realise if the person you spent every day with was going off of you. Sadly, it doesn't really work like that. How did I not notice that you lost interest in the stories I told? or that your eyes did not light up when you saw me? I often wonder what I could have done to have made you want to stay. Truth is, I don’t think there was anything I could have done. The heart wants what it wants. I do not want to make you stay when you want to leave. I’ve had a few people say to me that I need to start deleting the pictures, the texts. I don’t want to delete.. to me, to delete means to forget and I don’t want to forget about a single day we spent together. I did not just lose a boyfriend that day, but a best friend too. You were my partner in crime, my side kick and everything in between. I lost a part of myself that day, too. I will probably never see her again.
I believe you do not get only one love in this life. Up until you, I thought I had been in love before. You were the love that made all the other loves irrelevant. It wasn’t until you came along that I realised what a true relationship was and how it should be. I hope that after you I will have this same realisation. I am trying to tell myself that I should be grateful I got to experience this kind of love in the first place - this hurts, but not to love would be a worse fate. How naive I was to think that we could share a love so real. How could you have ever truly loved me if it were that easy for you to walk away? Maybe you got too used to having me around. What's embarrassing is that you were first and foremost my friend and you dropped me so easily. As soon as you decided it was over, that was it. It's like you were able to just flick a switch. I was totally erased from your life. I had to go from speaking to you every single day without fail to suddenly cutting contact because you didn’t want to speak to me. I wanted so badly to tell you about my day and just to kiss you one last time. (I also have to buy pre-grated cheese now because that was your job. I have to cut the pizza by myself too - you know I hated that. Also, how did you ever get the potato gratin out of that plastic?!) All the little things you take for granted, I wanted them back now more than ever. I really have no idea what happened between us. I want answers that I will never receive and if I did, it would probably be too late to hear them. I wanted you to fight for me because I am worth the fight. I wanted you to work at this because our relationship was worth working out.
Three years. I wanted it all with you, we had planned for it all. Were you just agreeing to it all to make me happy? I can't help thinking like this because I find it difficult to believe you ever loved me. That's what upsets me the most. It's like the higher you climb, the further you fall. I am most lonely at night. I think about you a lot then, more so than usual. During the day I am generally fine. Mostly, I am fine. At night I feel comfort knowing we look at the same moon. I hope you are happy. I want that much for you. I am sorry I could not make you as happy as you deserve to be. I never wanted to be someone who made you anything other than happy. I was happy. Ironically, I always said to you that I loved you more than you loved me but you always said everything was mutual between us. I was a chapter in your life, but to me you were the whole fucking book. I can’t put the book down. I’ve tried.
Comments
Post a Comment