when life gives you lemons, make lemonade

 I want to be in love with you But my mind is unforgiving I still have love for you And often think back to the beginning I miss the way we’d dance in the kitchen and the way your eyes met mine Now all I can do is revisit that image over and over again in my mind The days keep passing by and it scares me to forget But I think it scares me more when I remember and my mind fills with regret I’m still the person I once was, the person you fell in love with was me Although I often have to remind myself this was real and I’m not just going crazy People say how well I’m doing and in many ways I’ve got my spark back  It hurts to know you won’t experience that side of me anymore, but perhaps those memories you lack I might be OK but I’m not fine at all I just wonder if I cross your mind or if you ever think to call I know you loved me once and I believe you could again But I know you’d never reach out even if you thought about it and that it really is the end I know there’s things abo...

I started therapy on 5th April 2021 - exactly one week after my last relationship ended. I think if I’m being honest, I probably should have started therapy a long time ago. I’ve lived with a lot of trauma for a lot of my life and I’ve always felt like I just wanted someone to speak to; someone to offer advice, someone to listen, someone to understand. I’ve always been quite a relationship type of person and so I think subconsciously I’ve always relied on my partner to be that supportive system for me, which I guess when I start to think about it properly is wrong of me. I can’t rely on someone else to sort out the stuff going on in my head. That’s unfair.  I’ve tried lots of different types of medication in the past to help ease some of the pain from the situations I’ve dealt with, but none of them have ever really worked. They’ve just either made me feel like a zombie or completely changed me as a person (and not in a good way). Therapy was kind of a last resort - in the past I’v...

I’ve been feeling a little poorly today, so naturally the mental health has taken a bit of a kick because I feel guilty for taking the day off of work, etc. When the cogs in my brain start working overtime, it can often be quite damaging. I talk to myself differently, I view myself differently. I become different. It occurred to me today that I have felt like a ghost of myself for some time now. I look in the mirror and a reflection looks back at me.. She looks like me, sounds like me, talks like me. But she is not me. I’ve become a shell of the person I used to be. This post makes me feel very vulnerable because it is something I haven’t wanted to admit for a long time now. I often feel like if I open up to people about feeling sad about things that have affected me as a consequence of other people’s actions, to me the other person has won. I don’t like that. But I don’t feel like I have any power anymore. I feel like these people that have hurt me have taken a part of me away that I ...

I’ve been wanting to write about the monumental fuck up that was 2019 for a long time now. It’s like… when your life flips 180 in such a commemorative way, you don’t really know where to begin. I wanted to make sure I do this before 2020 begins, though. I have this weird thing attached to New Years. I know that the beginning of a new year is metaphorical, in that it cannot determine whether life/things will change or not but I am so relieved that 2019 is nearly over. Indefinitely marked the worst year of my life. I want to let out all that I need to so that I can go into 2020 with a positive mindset and leave all of the trash from 2019 behind. I ended 2018 in probably the best space I have been in for a long time. I always go through a checklist when thinking about life, and it is usually as follows: - Friends - Family - Significant other (obvs optional) - Work - Myself If all of the above are ticking along smoothly, then I always see that as a measure of success. So ending ...

I have been wanting to write for a while now, but honestly I haven't really found the time and my mental health has not always allowed for me to be in the right head space to commit to writing. I don't know if that makes any sense, but sometimes it's hard to find the motivation to do something - even if you really want to do it. I wanted to write this because, to be honest, I had hoped it may help me to feel even just slightly a little tiny bit better just to let it all out. I've been through it over the past few months really, but it's only just now starting to really take its toll on my mental health. My MH is something that I'm never quiet about (and rightly so I think) and something that I still, after years and years of suffering, have not really understood or known how to deal with it best. I think this is fine, it's a part of me and I guess I will work it out in time. However, just recently I've been in probably the worst mental space I've...

I like looking back at my blog and the journey it has been on. The journey I've been on. So many people are so quick to criticise about everything these days, from vegan sausage rolls to guys wearing make up. Who really cares? and if you do care, ask yourself why. I don't have an issue with blogging-out-loud my inner thoughts and feelings. I'm not scared of embracing how I feel, and I like looking back and seeing how far I've come and just the journey in general. Life is a journey after all, right? I've started living life a bit more honestly, I think. Although we are only 5 days into 2019, it's brought up a lot of emotions and memories I thought I was over and done with. I don't know if you're the type of person to care about a New Year and this idea of a 'blank slate' - but it brings me some comfort. Knowing that you have another 365 days to play around with and you just never know what's around the corner. I look back at this point last ...