the cave
I have been wanting to write for a while now, but honestly I haven't really found the time and my mental health has not always allowed for me to be in the right head space to commit to writing. I don't know if that makes any sense, but sometimes it's hard to find the motivation to do something - even if you really want to do it.
I wanted to write this because, to be honest, I had hoped it may help me to feel even just slightly a little tiny bit better just to let it all out. I've been through it over the past few months really, but it's only just now starting to really take its toll on my mental health. My MH is something that I'm never quiet about (and rightly so I think) and something that I still, after years and years of suffering, have not really understood or known how to deal with it best. I think this is fine, it's a part of me and I guess I will work it out in time. However, just recently I've been in probably the worst mental space I've been in in a long time and this worries me. I feel like I'm stuck in a rut that I don't know how to get out of. I feel like I'm walking around constantly with this permanent visible grey cloud over my head and I feel so bad for everyone around me. I feel like I'm in a cave that I can't get out of and no one can reach me. I feel like I'm stuck in some quick sand and I'm trapped, god I'm trapped and I can't move. I'm stuck.
I'm sure you've had it before where no matter how many times someone says something encouraging or motivational to you, it literally just goes in one ear and out of the other. Again, I feel so bad for those closest to me that are really trying to pull me out by both hands but I'm so far in it now that I've almost just accepted that I'm stuck here. I hate it. I'm not like this normally. I'm trying to tell myself that I have been through shit, and it's natural that I'll feel shit because of it. I don't know if it's just because I've got time off of work or what, but you would think that with the holidays I'd be living my best life but because of my mental health, I need routine. I need purpose. I need that get up and go and when I'm able to just doss about my house all day, I don't get that. Social media is awful - I think we all know this, but god it just makes everything worse... doesn't it? Or is that just me? I spend hours a day just endlessly scrolling through my social media. Sometimes there's actually nothing better that I could be doing but it's just mind-numbing, isn't it? Why do we do it? I don't care for the posts really, it's just because I have nothing better to do and it's purely force of habit. It makes me feel like shit though, I see everyone else out, seeing friends, going for lunch dates etc etc etc and I'm at home feeling depressed stuffing my face on my 3rd packet of crisps. Wish I was joking, too.
On the other hand, when I (very rarely) find the energy and motivation from somewhere to get my butt in gear and do something, 1) I feel like I need about 3-5 business working days to recover 2) I feel like I deserve a medal for actually leaving the house and 3) I end up cancelling my plans because I have no motivation and energy to do something. It's a vicious cycle. I want to do something, I plan to do something, I have no energy to do the something, I feel shit about not doing the something and wish I did the something even though I can't be fucking arsed to do the something.
Recently, I'm feeling so lonely and unloved and unappreciated. I feel like I have no one around me, even though I know that I do. I feel like no one wants to spend time with me and I feel like I'm not even any fun to be around anyway. I feel like everyone is trying to avoid me and everyone secretly dislikes me. I feel like I'm better off just staying at home so I don't dampen anyone else's spirit. I feel like I'm pushing everyone away from me even when I am dying for company. I feel like people are better off without me constantly bringing them down. But then, I have a good day. I feel like things are going to get better. I feel like there may be a light and someone has tried to reach into the cave and help me out. I feel like all I need is one person to sit with me, listen to my ramblings, understand me and shine a light into the cave so that I can see where I'm going again because I have been lost. I am lost to the cave.
A few months ago now, I lost my best friend. There is no need for me to write about what happened, and those close to me will know, but I had to end that friendship for one reason or another. Losing someone close to you like that is still a form of heartbreak. Mentally, I've been in a very shit place because of what I've had to deal with in those last few months. My best friend was the one person in this world that I knew I could count on 24/7, 100% without any doubts. I felt like even if I just had her as my one and only friend, that would be enough, and usually I am the type of person that enjoys having a lot of friends around them. Not having my best friend feels like I am mourning the loss of a person who is still very much alive. I know that things will never be the same and that is something that is very hard to process and actually deal with and accept.
Whilst watching the Stranger Things 3 Finale (you need to watch it if you haven't!!), something was said that resonated with me was Hopper's speech (no spoilers) and it made me feel slightly optimistic for a while:
I wanted to write this because, to be honest, I had hoped it may help me to feel even just slightly a little tiny bit better just to let it all out. I've been through it over the past few months really, but it's only just now starting to really take its toll on my mental health. My MH is something that I'm never quiet about (and rightly so I think) and something that I still, after years and years of suffering, have not really understood or known how to deal with it best. I think this is fine, it's a part of me and I guess I will work it out in time. However, just recently I've been in probably the worst mental space I've been in in a long time and this worries me. I feel like I'm stuck in a rut that I don't know how to get out of. I feel like I'm walking around constantly with this permanent visible grey cloud over my head and I feel so bad for everyone around me. I feel like I'm in a cave that I can't get out of and no one can reach me. I feel like I'm stuck in some quick sand and I'm trapped, god I'm trapped and I can't move. I'm stuck.
I'm sure you've had it before where no matter how many times someone says something encouraging or motivational to you, it literally just goes in one ear and out of the other. Again, I feel so bad for those closest to me that are really trying to pull me out by both hands but I'm so far in it now that I've almost just accepted that I'm stuck here. I hate it. I'm not like this normally. I'm trying to tell myself that I have been through shit, and it's natural that I'll feel shit because of it. I don't know if it's just because I've got time off of work or what, but you would think that with the holidays I'd be living my best life but because of my mental health, I need routine. I need purpose. I need that get up and go and when I'm able to just doss about my house all day, I don't get that. Social media is awful - I think we all know this, but god it just makes everything worse... doesn't it? Or is that just me? I spend hours a day just endlessly scrolling through my social media. Sometimes there's actually nothing better that I could be doing but it's just mind-numbing, isn't it? Why do we do it? I don't care for the posts really, it's just because I have nothing better to do and it's purely force of habit. It makes me feel like shit though, I see everyone else out, seeing friends, going for lunch dates etc etc etc and I'm at home feeling depressed stuffing my face on my 3rd packet of crisps. Wish I was joking, too.
On the other hand, when I (very rarely) find the energy and motivation from somewhere to get my butt in gear and do something, 1) I feel like I need about 3-5 business working days to recover 2) I feel like I deserve a medal for actually leaving the house and 3) I end up cancelling my plans because I have no motivation and energy to do something. It's a vicious cycle. I want to do something, I plan to do something, I have no energy to do the something, I feel shit about not doing the something and wish I did the something even though I can't be fucking arsed to do the something.
Recently, I'm feeling so lonely and unloved and unappreciated. I feel like I have no one around me, even though I know that I do. I feel like no one wants to spend time with me and I feel like I'm not even any fun to be around anyway. I feel like everyone is trying to avoid me and everyone secretly dislikes me. I feel like I'm better off just staying at home so I don't dampen anyone else's spirit. I feel like I'm pushing everyone away from me even when I am dying for company. I feel like people are better off without me constantly bringing them down. But then, I have a good day. I feel like things are going to get better. I feel like there may be a light and someone has tried to reach into the cave and help me out. I feel like all I need is one person to sit with me, listen to my ramblings, understand me and shine a light into the cave so that I can see where I'm going again because I have been lost. I am lost to the cave.
A few months ago now, I lost my best friend. There is no need for me to write about what happened, and those close to me will know, but I had to end that friendship for one reason or another. Losing someone close to you like that is still a form of heartbreak. Mentally, I've been in a very shit place because of what I've had to deal with in those last few months. My best friend was the one person in this world that I knew I could count on 24/7, 100% without any doubts. I felt like even if I just had her as my one and only friend, that would be enough, and usually I am the type of person that enjoys having a lot of friends around them. Not having my best friend feels like I am mourning the loss of a person who is still very much alive. I know that things will never be the same and that is something that is very hard to process and actually deal with and accept.
Whilst watching the Stranger Things 3 Finale (you need to watch it if you haven't!!), something was said that resonated with me was Hopper's speech (no spoilers) and it made me feel slightly optimistic for a while:
"Feelings. Jesus. The truth is, for so long, I'd forgotten what those even were. I've been stuck in one place - in a cave, you might say. A deep dark cave. And then, I left some Eggos out in the woods and you came into my life and... for the first time in a long time, I started to feel things again. I started to feel happy.
But lately, I guess i've been feeling... distant from you. Like you're pulling away from me or something. I miss playing board games every night, making triple-decker Eggo extravaganzas at sunrise, watching westerns together before we doze off.
But I know you're getting older, growing, changing. And I guess... if I'm being really honest, that's what scares me. I don't want things to change. So I think maybe that's why I came here, to try to maybe... stop that change. To turn back the clock. To make things go back to how they were.
But I know that's naive. It's just... not how life works. It's moving. Always moving whether you like it or not. And yeah, sometimes it's painful. Sometimes it's sad and sometimes it's surprising. Happy.
So you know what? Keep on growing up, kid. Don't let me stop you. Make mistakes, learn from 'em, and when life hurts you - because it will - remember the hurt. The hurt is good. It means you're out of that cave."
... I can't wait to be out of the cave.
But lately, I guess i've been feeling... distant from you. Like you're pulling away from me or something. I miss playing board games every night, making triple-decker Eggo extravaganzas at sunrise, watching westerns together before we doze off.
But I know you're getting older, growing, changing. And I guess... if I'm being really honest, that's what scares me. I don't want things to change. So I think maybe that's why I came here, to try to maybe... stop that change. To turn back the clock. To make things go back to how they were.
But I know that's naive. It's just... not how life works. It's moving. Always moving whether you like it or not. And yeah, sometimes it's painful. Sometimes it's sad and sometimes it's surprising. Happy.
So you know what? Keep on growing up, kid. Don't let me stop you. Make mistakes, learn from 'em, and when life hurts you - because it will - remember the hurt. The hurt is good. It means you're out of that cave."
... I can't wait to be out of the cave.
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