Your daily reminder: if it makes you unhappy, cut it off

I’ve been feeling a little poorly today, so naturally the mental health has taken a bit of a kick because I feel guilty for taking the day off of work, etc. When the cogs in my brain start working overtime, it can often be quite damaging. I talk to myself differently, I view myself differently. I become different. It occurred to me today that I have felt like a ghost of myself for some time now. I look in the mirror and a reflection looks back at me.. She looks like me, sounds like me, talks like me. But she is not me. I’ve become a shell of the person I used to be. This post makes me feel very vulnerable because it is something I haven’t wanted to admit for a long time now. I often feel like if I open up to people about feeling sad about things that have affected me as a consequence of other people’s actions, to me the other person has won. I don’t like that. But I don’t feel like I have any power anymore. I feel like these people that have hurt me have taken a part of me away that I fear I will never get back. This post is me trying to get some of my power and fight back. As cliche as it sounds, this IS my journey, my story and my voice that deserves to be heard. 

 

On the 12th June 2019, I found out that my boyfriend Varian had cheated on me with my best friend, Lucy. Please note that these people get to carry on with their lives seemingly consequence free, they do not deserve anonymity at this point. I was quite obviously devastated and heartbroken, but I have found that the lasting effect of this has been so much harder to deal with. Betrayal has, unfortunately, been a consistent theme in my life. I’ve been cheated on in *almost* every relationship I’ve been in and I don’t have a relationship with my Father, so trust in men has never really been a strong point of mine. Double that with a friendship of 10+ years falling apart, it’s safe to say that it has knocked me back a fair bit.

Every time I have felt sad since, I have almost always been able to link it back to this one night that changed my life. I don’t want to underestimate people living with trauma, and though it is not the same, I do live with a trauma of my own. I get flashbacks, I suffer with nightmares, I think about it daily, I think about the things they would tell me just to give me peace of mind, the way that Lucy used to say she was the third person in our relationship and that Varian was like a brother to her, I replay different scenarios in my head, I think about the times where Lucy continued to use me for advice, a chance to bitch or gossip about our other friends and reassured me that my boyfriend did in fact love me and that I should stay with him. All whilst hiding this dark secret. I think about how Varian would still have sex with me, still cook dinner for me, help me with my teacher training and how we would all go out together as a group. All whilst hiding this dark secret. It fucks with my head how these people can sleep at night.

As a result of this, I hate these people because they have made me live with hate in my heart. I have never before hated anyone. I have disliked people for the way they have treated me and the effect that has had on me, but I have never hated anyone. I hate Lucy because she was the one person I trusted the most in this world, the one person I knew would be at my wedding as my MoH and most likely the delivery of my first born child if she bloody could. Most of all though, I hate how they have changed me as a person. Totally changed me. I view everything differently now. Over lockdown, if someone wouldn’t invite me to a virtual group quiz, or whatever else was going on behind the laptop screen at that time, I took it personally. Some of you may be thinking that you would take that personally too. But I took that as a reflection of me as a person. That maybe I don’t deserve to have friends, that maybe there is a reason why people don’t want to have me around, that maybe my presence just isn’t enough for people to miss anymore. It made me realise that I have completely lost the spark that once made me Chloe. That once made people want to hang out with me, want to be my friend. I know I don’t have that anymore because I notice when I look at my reflection that there is someone staring back at me who has no idea who she is looking at. I know that this all links back to the trauma I live with daily. I often do not blame these people, for I wouldn’t want to hang around with me either. 

 

This extends to my relationship with Jack. I feel like it is unfair on Jack to have to deal with me when I live with such a cloud over me, purely because of other people’s treatment towards me. It’s not fair that I don’t get to enjoy every aspect of my relationship because I am constantly worried Jack will cheat on me. It’s not fair that I constantly doubt myself and wonder why Jack would want to be with someone like me when he could have anyone. It’s not fair that I get funny when Jack has friends of mine on social media because I worry history will repeat itself. It’s not fair that I’m so paranoid now that any female who is remotely nice to Jack is waiting to take my place. It’s not fair that the extent of my worries and anxieties are there because of other people. 

Most recently, I made a decision to cut Lucy out of my life forever. Yes, she’s been blocked on every social media platform since it happened, but I still had friends who were attached to her. I felt like if they were attached to me, and attached to her, then I still had some attachment to her. When you start to hate someone, you want nothing to do with them. I’m not saying I want her dead, I don’t, but her existence means nothing to me anymore. It’s taken me a while to realise that. For a long time, I still wanted to be her friend. I longed for the friendship we once had. I longed to have a best friend again. I longed to be a priority to a person again, to be that one that they would always choose. Sometimes I still do, because I feel I am often overlooked when I try very hard to be a good person and I feel like I am not appreciated. Over lockdown, I thought of her often. I thought about how lucky I was to have Jack throughout that period of time, and how she would most likely be alone. This is not to sound like I’m the best person ever, because don’t get me wrong, there were also times where I thought about her being alone and felt that was what she deserved. That maybe she would have time now to reflect on how shit of a person she is and maybe do something about it. But I did feel like reaching out at points because I didn’t like the thought of her being sad. I never did, more because of my own pride rather than anything else. She didn’t and doesn’t deserve to have me in her life anymore. I know that now. 

As soon as I made the decision to eradicate her from my life, I felt like I had an eviction notice stuck on my head. I made it clear to close friends of mine that if they were to have a friendship with Lucy, I simply couldn’t be friends with them. It wasn’t helping me heal, still being partially stuck in the place that made me sick. I gave these friends the option to essentially choose me or Lucy, something I actually wanted to do when it first happened last year but was too scared to. As it turns out, I was right to be fearful, for they chose the side of the perpetrator rather than the victim. I never wanted to be seen as the victim, but I am. I don’t want sympathy but I did want my friends to do the right thing. I don’t feel like I have many true friends in my life right now, and so I hold the friends that I do have close to my heart. It hurts knowing that they have made that decision. I haven’t spoken to many people about this, because truthfully there are not many people to tell. It is something I have tried to come to terms with in my own way.

 

To my other friends who are connected to Lucy in some way, I would like to ask why? Out of respect, please do not tell me about her. I do not care. What she is doing or what she is up to is of no business of mine, and vice versa. Please do not feel like you have to have her on any social platform to be my eyes and ears. Girl, I do wanna see or hear. Equally, if she reaches out to you for whatever reason, and you are a friend of mine, please do not feel like you have to reply. You do not owe these people anything. Out of respect for me, it makes me feel like a bit of a mug knowing that she feels as though none of my friends have an issue with her behaviour. If I am a friend of yours, I ask you to please cut her off. If you do not care for her, unfollow her. This goes for anyone and anything. If your timeline is making you unhappy, unfollow these accounts! I had someone reach out to me the other day and it was a really sweet message but I did not reply, you know why? Because that person had wronged someone I am close to and I don’t feel comfortable pretending like that is OK when it is not. Let’s stop feeling like we have to keep the peace and please everybody. If people fuck up and show their true colours, call these people out. It’s how we can make a change. I’m not going to be quiet anymore, I want to get my voice back. These people have made me live in the shadow of myself, but I want to be seen again.