an open love letter

 I want to be in love with you

But my mind is unforgiving

I still have love for you

And often think back to the beginning

I miss the way we’d dance in the kitchen and the way your eyes met mine

Now all I can do is revisit that image over and over again in my mind

The days keep passing by and it scares me to forget

But I think it scares me more when I remember and my mind fills with regret

I’m still the person I once was, the person you fell in love with was me

Although I often have to remind myself this was real and I’m not just going crazy

People say how well I’m doing and in many ways I’ve got my spark back 

It hurts to know you won’t experience that side of me anymore, but perhaps those memories you lack

I might be OK but I’m not fine at all

I just wonder if I cross your mind or if you ever think to call

I know you loved me once and I believe you could again

But I know you’d never reach out even if you thought about it and that it really is the end

I know there’s things about me that you’d probably have changed if you could

And that you blame me for our relationship ending and I really don’t think you should

A relationship is made of two parts and although I have my issues

There is more to me than my past and that was something you commit to

I mourn the loss of what could have been before the world said better luck next time

Maybe I didn’t appreciate the time we had together enough whilst you were still mine

I know its been so long and my ex’s are normally out of my mind by now

Mainly because they all cheated on me and yet I was the villain somehow

But with you it is so different and I think I always knew it would be

We went through so much in so little time and it really has a hold on me

When the world did a Stranger Things and turned upside down

And yet somehow my life made more sense then than it even does now

It hurts to think you can just forget and that you’re ready to date again

I know I can hardly talk because I’ve tried to do the same myself but I’m still thinking about back then

I can’t believe you’ve never thought to message, even just to see if I’m OK

It hurts to think I’m so disposable when you used to love me without delay

The reeling and the remembering seems to be the hardest part

Especially when I’m not convinced I hold a place in your heart

It honestly feels like you pressed pause on your life whilst you were with me

And hit resume right after I’d left and carried on carefree

I don’t really know where I’m going with all of this because I don’t want to give you the satisfaction of knowing that I still care

Not that you’d ever even read this but it seems to make me feel better whenever I overshare

Everyone I’ve ever loved has left me to some degree

and all I have left to show for these fleeting moments is memory loss and therapy

So thank you for being just like the others but also nothing like them at all

To the point where I may not like you but I cannot hate you for making that call

It's not your fault that you no longer love me but it opened my eyes enough to see

That you can live a wonderful life without the one you love, knowing that in losing them you also set them free

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