2019

I’ve been wanting to write about the monumental fuck up that was 2019 for a long time now. It’s like… when your life flips 180 in such a commemorative way, you don’t really know where to begin. I wanted to make sure I do this before 2020 begins, though. I have this weird thing attached to New Years. I know that the beginning of a new year is metaphorical, in that it cannot determine whether life/things will change or not but I am so relieved that 2019 is nearly over. Indefinitely marked the worst year of my life. I want to let out all that I need to so that I can go into 2020 with a positive mindset and leave all of the trash from 2019 behind.

I ended 2018 in probably the best space I have been in for a long time. I always go through a checklist when thinking about life, and it is usually as follows:
- Friends
- Family

- Significant other (obvs optional)
- Work

- Myself

If all of the above are ticking along smoothly, then I always see that as a measure of success. So ending 2018, I had the best friendship group one could ask for. I’m not one to shy away from social media as I’m sure a lot of you (if not all of you) know, so my friendship group would always be flaunted in some way, shape or form. It consisted of friends I had known a lifetime, friends I had grown closer to at work, friends that were good for my mental health, friends that I felt confident were for life. We had really grown together like a family and were doing more and more every day. I watched my elder sister get married, my younger brother was part of said friendship group and after ending 2017 heartbroken and alone, my family unit was stronger than ever. I found myself again, became a lot more confident in myself, understood the true meaning of self-love, got more tattoos and in turn I met a boy. A boy who showed me that love can be found again, right when I had just given up on the whole concept. I was loving life.

I find it completely bizarre that I am sitting here ending 2019 in total contrast to how I started it. I started the year on floor 72, on top of the world at The Shard with my best friend, Lucy. I was physically and emotionally on top of the world. We got all dressed up even though it was freezing cold and I treated her to this trip as a belated birthday present. It’s quite poetic really that I started the worst year of my life literally on top of the world. Pretty ironic?
As a friendship group, we were all closer than ever. It meant so much to me to have a boyfriend that fit so well into our group. Not just as my boyfriend but as an addition, as a friend to us all. I was always so open about our relationship - it wasn’t perfect. I think in the past, I've tried to paint this perfect picture of this idealistic relationship and it’s not realistic all of the time. I wanted to be really authentic in this relationship and accept that in life, not everything is going to be ‘Instagram worthy’. We had our arguments. Maybe more than the norm, but what was special about us was that we always managed to get through it regardless. I remember thinking that was really special and rare, that Varian never gave up on me. On us.

As for my friendships, there was a total transparency. They were just as perfect as I made them out to be. They always have been. My friends saw me at my lowest in 2017 and all worked to make 2018 the year of my comeback. Lucy was one of the first people to come to my house when I tried to overdose in 2017 whilst my family were away on holiday and she stayed with me all night whilst I cried and cried some more. She held the tissue on my arms from where I had been cutting myself and she didn’t leave my side until she knew I was no longer a risk to myself. She would bring me flowers just to cheer me up. My favourite sweets just because she knew I was craving them. We would text every second of every day. Honestly, she was probably the best relationship I’ve ever had. We were best friends for almost 10 years and there was not a day that went by where I ever questioned that friendship or Lucy as a person. She would invite herself over because my house was like a second home to her. I spent more time on my house. Making it a home rather than just a house. The difference meant a lot to me, even though I think I still invested more time making a person a home. 

19th April was the day my life changed forever. It sounds dramatic but it’s true. I honestly believe that from that day forward, I became a different person. I had to. It was one of the hottest days of the year and in true spirit, we decided to spend it day drinking at Christchurch Park. We all brought something to contribute to the picnic, we drank lots, listened to our music loudly, played games and it was just the most perfect day. I was with my best friends and my boyfriend and I remember looking around and thinking, fuck, this is what it can feel like to just be alive. Pleasantly pissed, we decided to continue the drinking on at Adam’s after our fun-filled day. Hindsight is a wonderful thing, right? I often wish I could go back in the past and god, I’d give anything to have not gone back to Adam’s that evening. Alas, we get there. Varian’s ex-girlfriend is there. Not so cool at first but I trusted that guy with everything in me. This meant a lot to me having been cheated on in my past relationship. I wasn’t convinced I would ever truly be able to trust a guy again or believe what he says because I’ve heard it all before, etc, etc. But I can honestly say hand on my heart even to this day that there was not an atom of my being that didn’t trust Varian. Which probably makes it all worse. 

Varian liked to drink. My ex before him didn’t drink at all and then Varian drank too much. Some balance in 2020 would be fab, thanks.
Although he liked a drink, I had only ever seen him at a point of instability once before. There was a night at his Mum’s where he got totally bladdered and was a complete arsehole to me. Basically saying that my anxiety was made up and that I was exaggerating. This hurt my feelings a lot as I remember seeing a side to him that was alien to me and it was brought out because of his alcohol intake. He really did turn into someone I didn’t even recognise and then the next day had no idea what he had done that had annoyed me so much. I explained to him and he was super apologetic and I could honestly see that he had no recollection of saying such things. Anyway, on this night, he was getting in that state again that I had only seen on this one occasion. He had been drinking all day and then we were topping it up ready to go out for the evening too so it was fair to say, he was pretty pissed. I was starting to sober up because I wasn’t really in the mood for a night out. Lucy was only just starting to drink properly because she hadn’t drank all day as she doesn’t do well in the heat. Adam was pissed already but slowly passing out on his bed and Monika was pacing herself well for the evening.

He was being a massive knob and making comments that were completely inappropriate in front of people that were strangers to me (and also his ex-girlfriend’s friends). So I decided to call it a night. He had the option of calling it a night too: he didn’t. I’m at home now, anxious as anything thinking about how pissed he is and how he’s out with his ex, wondering why he didn’t just call it a night because we were arguing and his mobile phone had broken so I knew I would only be able to contact him through Lucy. I get a call from Lucy a little later into the evening explaining that Varian wants to go out out with her. I didn’t want to be that girlfriend to stop him from doing what he wanted to do, he had already called me his “Mum” for telling him to slow down with the drinking so I just asked Lucy to look after herself and him. I get a call at about 3am from Lucy saying that Varian wanted to talk to me. Drunk as anything, he asked if he was staying at mine. I simply said no because he was being a dickhead all night and there were so many things I was upset with him for. Lucy said not to worry and that he could stay at hers. I thought no more of it. 

I interject here to say that I, again, wish I could go back in time and not be so stubborn. If I’d have let him stay at mine then maybe none of this would have happened?

The next morning, Lucy and Adam come to my house to cheer me up. They knew I’d had a bit of a shit night with everything that went on. In the end, Adam didn’t go out but I obviously wanted to hear about how the night went from Lucy’s perspective. Same old stuff to report and nothing out of the ordinary. Adam mentions how Varian was apparently being flirtatious with his friend. I message her asking for some clarity and she replies saying that he was inappropriate and made some of her friends feel uncomfortable. To this day, I don’t know what that means and I don’t really wish to know either. I ask Lucy for some perspective, she promises me that she was with him all night (except from when she went to the toilet) and that he was not inappropriate in any way and that he was the same as he always has been. I asked Monika the same and she replied the same. Lucy’s family was like my second family, so to cheer me up further, Lucy invited me over there for a BBQ. We spent the day chatting on the sofa about the goings on of the evening and again, there was nothing unusual for her to report. She was surprisingly not hungover and we spent the day taking my mind off of it. Meanwhile, Varian had been trying to text and call me several times and I was ignoring him. As my best friend, I asked Lucy honestly if I would look like a total mug for forgiving him, to which she said no. No I would not look like a mug for forgiving Varian for something that there is no substantial proof that it even happened. Her words. 

He was incredibly apologetic for his actions and I ended up forgiving him. He said he would try to make a conscious effort not to drink “over his limit” anymore and didn’t want to go out out for a while. He felt really embarrassed about his actions and didn’t remember exactly what happened over the course of the night but all he knew for certain was that he would never do anything to hurt me. 

Just three days later, myself and Varian spent the last day of my Easter holidays at Jimmy’s Farm. It was another day in the beautiful sunshine and despite the arguments we had had prior, everything felt normal again very quickly. For Varian’s birthday in May, I treated him to a day out at Go Ape where we spent the day up in the trees being big kids. On the evening, our whole friendship group went to play Bingo. We surprised him with balloons and cake on the table and it was a really special day. At this point, Varian was essentially living at my house. He never wanted to admit it but as soon as his PS4 was in, I knew there was no getting rid of him. On the 25th May, we had a catch up in the pub with my best friends and Varian. I remember Adam was complaining about his relationship and I felt selfish thinking about how mine was going so well. He was my best friend and my boyfriend in one. I remember feeling really grateful that I had very little to complain about. Varian had helped my family in the garden and had spent long evenings helping my step dad put up a fence, he had helped me when I was struggling with my teacher training and at times would take the laptop away from me and tell me to say what I wanted to whilst he would type it for me, he went to the shops and bought some baby oil to massage my back whilst I took a break from my teacher training portfolio, he made dinner every evening so I didn’t have to worry about it and we were in the best place we had ever been in. 

On the 12th June, 1 month, 3 weeks and 5 days after the infamous night out, I get a message from Lucy saying that she needed to talk to me. I remember thinking… dude, I have anxiety, what have I done? “Don’t worry, it’s nothing you’ve done wrong”. 

I remember mentioning to Varian that Lucy wanted to see me for a chat and asking him if he had any idea what it could be about. He said he didn’t have a clue. Something really insignificant about this day that I remember so clearly is how he made two burgers for himself at dinner. He ate one with me before he went to football and left the other for when he got home. Knowing he knew he was never coming home. Knowing that when he walked out of my house, he was not coming back. Knowing that he was not just leaving for the evening to play football, but he was leaving knowing there was a chance he may not see me again. 

Lucy sat opposite me on the sofa and from the moment she came in, I knew something was up. Lucy knew me inside out and vice versa. I’m almost annoyed at myself that I never suspected anything, never noticed any changes in behaviour, never felt like she was acting differently around me. Lucy always dreamed of being an actress but I never knew how much potential she had. 

She said that on the night out, when Varian went back to hers, they were “inappropriate”. I laughed at first, both nervously and because I wondered why on earth she felt this was important enough to tell me. If Varian had accidentally touched her bum, or held her hand, I wouldn’t have cared. Because it was Varian and Lucy. Then I started to think about how there must be more to what she is telling me because this happened so long ago now. Why was it important to bring up now? I had almost forgotten about this night in all honesty. We had all moved past it. Lucy never told me exactly what happened. Varian finally told me his version of events, which in no way align to the story that Lucy has seemingly told everyone except from me. Honestly, I still don’t have the truth. I’m not sure I ever will know what happened that night between those two. Even if she told me, I would never be able to believe her or trust what she says. When Varian told me, he of course made it out that Lucy instigated things and that he was basically unconscious the whole time. It was in that moment, my best friend of almost 10 years sitting opposite me, telling me that my boyfriend had cheated on me with her, that I felt I had no place in this world anymore. 

This was just one day after I had qualified as an English Teacher. I was given one day to celebrate the biggest achievement of my life to date before it all came crashing down on me. Everything felt pretty meaningless after that. The reason it took them so long to tell me was because they didn’t want it to interfere with my studies. Really thoughtful of the pair of them, no? Well, I did qualify as an Outstanding English Teacher, completely oblivious to the fact that my best friend and my boyfriend were in cahoots the whole time. 

I remember I went to Pride on the 22nd June. It had been just 10 days. The whole day feels like a blur. I was anxious as anything, I was trying to interact with old friends and new but I felt like I wasn’t even in my own body. Fast forward a little and behind the scenes, I was a complete mess. I was making all the wrong decisions and ignoring all and any advice given. Lucy tried to reach out to me a couple of times but both were half-arsed apologies. I was so in denial about the whole thing and so heartbroken, that I was still in contact with Varian. Looking back now, he actually made no effort to try and ‘win’ me back. I was actually just desperately begging him for answers and clarity. I had so many questions and so few answers. I was in love with someone who I didn’t even recognise standing before me. I was hurting so badly and I just wanted for it to all be one big, horrible dream. I’d wake up and it would all be over. 

Me and Varian had tried our best to work things out. Realistically, I tried my best. Lucy heard about this and was upset. I understood. A lot of people were saying to me at the time that if I could forgive Varian, I could forgive Lucy. But it didn’t work like that. I made excuses for Varian. I had seen him in that state before where he was so drunk he couldn’t remember what he was doing - in my many years of friendship with Lucy, I had never seen her in that state before. I believed him when he said he loved me. He said he would quit drinking. He acknowledged that he has an addictive personality and that it scared him that he was capable of hurting someone he loved so deeply. He officially ended things with me over text in September, the first day I was back at work after the Summer holidays. From that day on, he cut me off like I never existed to him. I never really spoke to him again after that.

On the 28th August, I got my hair extensions. Something that may not mean much to some but meant everything to me. I was never really confident with my hair but never really knew what I could do about it. Getting this new hair allowed me to reinvent myself. I felt like I finally looked like the person I had always wanted to. It gave me such a massive confidence boost and I started to love myself again. 

I went through a period where I was ill for a long time. This was honestly the reality that I needed to make me see things clearly. I was in the hospital for about three days by myself because I found out that my kidney was failing on me. My kidneys giving up on me just like my boyfriend and my best friend - neat timing. This was the worst I have ever felt. I remember feeling selfish for taking up a bed because I just wanted to die anyway. Varian didn’t visit me. I was calling him and he didn’t care. Not really. I was sitting next to a woman who was in so much agony, she kept wetting herself and crying out for help. The other woman next to me was called Gwen which only reminded me of my Auntie Gwen up in Heaven. I remember having 1% battery on my mobile and using it to call Varian and explain to him that I hadn’t eaten in days (not that I had an appetite) and that I didn’t have my mobile charger with me. He replied with the generic “things will get better, we will get through this together”. Together? I was alone. There was never any together. 

On the 9th October, everything finally hit me. It was probably about time that it did because I was in denial for a very long time. I was hardly sleeping and when I was, I was having nightmare after nightmare about Varian and Lucy together. My mind would not switch off, I couldn’t think about anything except from those two together and all of the lies and betrayal in between. I realised that I had been used, walked all over and generally treated like an absolute mug. I held onto things I should have let go, I held onto anger which made me bitter, I continued trying when people crossed the line, I said yes when I should have said no, I tried to make people stay who wanted to leave, I gave chance after chance when I should have walked away, I ignored all advice that I should have listened to, I hoped for people to change their ways and stayed even when they didn’t, I begged for people to love me in the same way that I loved them. 

I wasn’t living really, I was just getting by. I was living day by day and just hoping each day would be easier than the one that came before it. I was thinking about ending my life every single day. To some people, I realise how enormous that is to say but for me, it is normal. It is normal because I suffer from depression and I have had these thoughts before. A lot of people treated me differently after that. People wondered if I was fit enough to work. If I needed any help or support. If I had a day off, people were worried I was going to kill myself. I am so thankful for all of those people that care about me, it’s kept me soft and gentle in nature. But honestly, even though I was suicidal, I still went to work every single day, never complained, never needed help and did a damn good job, too. That’s not to say that you are weak for not being able to do those things, I think it is just important to sometimes step back and appreciate what you are capable of doing even when you are at your very lowest. Even if that is just being able to get out of bed. No matter how small or big, an achievement is an achievement. 

I knew I was never going to kill myself. Some days were better than others. But you can still feel so low that you don’t feel like you have any purpose and yet still somehow, power through in hopes of a better tomorrow. I was living in black and white with a permanent cloud over my head. It was horrible, and I thought a lot about those people that I gave the power to put me in that position. 

So now, it is the 23rd December. I am thankful I made it through this year. I am still alive. I am grateful for all of those that are still with me on this journey we call life. I am more than relieved to be seeing the back of 2019. I am full of self-love, self-acceptance and gratitude. I am hopeful for the future. I know I am a good person. I have good intentions. I am not a reflection of those who cannot love me. I would never want to hurt people. I’m a lover of life again. My anxiety has been *touch wood* the best it’s been in years and years. Let’s revisit my checklist: 

- Friends
- Family

- Significant other (obvs optional)
- Work

- Myself

I have some amazing friends who I hold very close to my heart. I am still mourning the loss of my friendship with Lucy. A friendship unlike any I have experienced before and unlike anything I will probably ever experience again. Although my family has had its issues at the back end of this year, I am hopeful that we will get through our struggles. I would like to remain hopeful for a better future for my little sister. I still massively have my guard up, but I am talking to a guy who treats me wonderfully. He listens to me pine on about about Varian and Lucy. He is patient, understanding and kind. Easy on the eye, too. I still think about Varian and what could have been, but I know that it is no longer realistic. I loved him for everything that he was and I hate him for everything he wasn’t. Work is great. I have some of the best colleagues ever and I feel like I am growing and learning every day. I love myself. I will no longer dull my sparkle for people who cannot see just how much I shine. One thing Varian said to me that I'll always remember after we broke up was that my expectations were too high... I will never be too much for the right person. I always said that Varian saved me, but it was never Varian.

I saved myself. 

“Grief, I’ve learned, is really just love. It’s all the love you want to give, but cannot. All that unspent love gathers up in the corners of your eyes, the lump in your throat, and in that hollow part of your chest. Grief is just love with no place to go.” - Jamie Anderson

Stay golden. ★