2 0 1 9
I like looking back at my blog and the journey it has been on. The journey I've been on. So many people are so quick to criticise about everything these days, from vegan sausage rolls to guys wearing make up. Who really cares? and if you do care, ask yourself why. I don't have an issue with blogging-out-loud my inner thoughts and feelings. I'm not scared of embracing how I feel, and I like looking back and seeing how far I've come and just the journey in general. Life is a journey after all, right?
I've started living life a bit more honestly, I think. Although we are only 5 days into 2019, it's brought up a lot of emotions and memories I thought I was over and done with. I don't know if you're the type of person to care about a New Year and this idea of a 'blank slate' - but it brings me some comfort. Knowing that you have another 365 days to play around with and you just never know what's around the corner. I look back at this point last year and I had no idea I'd be where I am now, I can't wait to see my progression a year from now too.
I'm very open about my feelings. Which is something I actually never really used to be. Mental health has been a taboo subject for a while now, but I think we're moving in the right direction. Certainly for myself, I have opened up a lot more about my ever-fluctuating mental health. I've wanted to write about my anxiety for a while now - a long while, actually. I just don't think it deserves it. I don't want to give it any validation or recognition. I don't even want to acknowledge that it is a thing. But it is. It's more than a thing. It controls me and I hate it. I tried to fight it by going cold-turkey on my tablets (which was, obviously, the worst thing I could have done) but I'm off of them now and that was a small victory for me. Now the challenge comes where I have to tackle my anxiety by myself. I feel as though I haven't known myself for a while because of them. I always worried that they would change who I am; make me a happier, less anxious version of myself. Which you would think is amazing and surely what someone who suffers with anxiety wants. But for me, I just wanted to be myself and for that to be enough. To be myself and for that to be and feel OK.
I hate that I can't just - function. My brain and my body doesn't work like that. I can't do something spontaneous without worrying about it. This is the most frustrating thing, because naturally I am quite a spontaneous person. I can't go to the cinema without worrying I'll be anxious and people will notice I'm going to the toilet a lot. I can't go to someone's house without panicking about how long I'll be there, in case I'll feel anxious. Don't get me started on going out for a meal - that will only happen on a very good day. Everything links back to my fear of being or feeling sick (and I mean everything).
I saw a tweet earlier,
"Being publicly high functioning despite a severe mental illness means people getting annoyed with you when you don't deliver on promises or can't give them emotional support. They don't realise all your effort is already exhausted maintaining that high functioning persona"
and I could not agree more. I want so badly to be the person that I know I am - the person my anxiety stops me from being, but it constantly feels like there's a voice in my head saying "this is comfortable but don't push it". Someone suffering from a mental illness (such as anxiety) is battling with their mind constantly, as well as still carrying on as normal and continuing with their routine and daily lives. It's amazing, really. I know I can get past it and I am capable, but fucking hell is it exhausting. I'm physically and mentally shattered all of the time because I am constantly thinking and thinking and thinking. I rarely ever stop.
But I'm starting to be more honest. Let's encourage people to talk about their struggles and their successes. It's been a weird start to the year because I've had to deal with a bad spell of my mental health, as well as old feelings reigniting. I am very thankful that I can be so honest with my boyfriend about my past and we both use it as a point of progression and growth. I accepted at the start of this year that I am still not over the pain my ex caused me; through the lying, cheating and betrayal. This is hard to accept because I totally thought that was old news. I'm most definitely over my ex but the pain and heartache has still left a scar - which I guess is only natural, but stings a little to admit. I saw a post of his girlfriend's - genuinely stumbled across it through mutual likes. It hurt. It doesn't hurt seeing them two together, it doesn't hurt seeing them in love. It hurts that they both get to carry on as normal when they played a massive part in ruining my life (at the time). What upset me the most after seeing this post is realising that it still bothered me and that I have turned bitter because of it. I want to see people happy. I am a good person. I have a kind heart. I do not wish ill on anyone. Seeing that post though, sparked something inside of me that I didn't like. I started thinking that they don't deserve happiness when they hurt me as much as they did. They both lied to me and broke my heart into two but they get to carry on as though nothing happened. Lying to me about being together but then showcasing the relationship all over social media. Carrying none of the guilt, none of the pain. Just carrying on. They got what they wanted and did not spare my feelings in the process. I think if you want to flaunt about positivity and kindness, you should probably practice what you preach first.
This year, I want to leave it all behind me. I have an incredible boyfriend and there is no denying I am utterly in love with him. We all go through shit that we have to deal with and it is unfair for me to allow that to taint my relationship now. So i've decided to (finally) not let it. Varian is nothing like Lewis. For that I am fucking thankful.
Thank u, next
x
I've started living life a bit more honestly, I think. Although we are only 5 days into 2019, it's brought up a lot of emotions and memories I thought I was over and done with. I don't know if you're the type of person to care about a New Year and this idea of a 'blank slate' - but it brings me some comfort. Knowing that you have another 365 days to play around with and you just never know what's around the corner. I look back at this point last year and I had no idea I'd be where I am now, I can't wait to see my progression a year from now too.
I'm very open about my feelings. Which is something I actually never really used to be. Mental health has been a taboo subject for a while now, but I think we're moving in the right direction. Certainly for myself, I have opened up a lot more about my ever-fluctuating mental health. I've wanted to write about my anxiety for a while now - a long while, actually. I just don't think it deserves it. I don't want to give it any validation or recognition. I don't even want to acknowledge that it is a thing. But it is. It's more than a thing. It controls me and I hate it. I tried to fight it by going cold-turkey on my tablets (which was, obviously, the worst thing I could have done) but I'm off of them now and that was a small victory for me. Now the challenge comes where I have to tackle my anxiety by myself. I feel as though I haven't known myself for a while because of them. I always worried that they would change who I am; make me a happier, less anxious version of myself. Which you would think is amazing and surely what someone who suffers with anxiety wants. But for me, I just wanted to be myself and for that to be enough. To be myself and for that to be and feel OK.
I hate that I can't just - function. My brain and my body doesn't work like that. I can't do something spontaneous without worrying about it. This is the most frustrating thing, because naturally I am quite a spontaneous person. I can't go to the cinema without worrying I'll be anxious and people will notice I'm going to the toilet a lot. I can't go to someone's house without panicking about how long I'll be there, in case I'll feel anxious. Don't get me started on going out for a meal - that will only happen on a very good day. Everything links back to my fear of being or feeling sick (and I mean everything).
I saw a tweet earlier,
"Being publicly high functioning despite a severe mental illness means people getting annoyed with you when you don't deliver on promises or can't give them emotional support. They don't realise all your effort is already exhausted maintaining that high functioning persona"
and I could not agree more. I want so badly to be the person that I know I am - the person my anxiety stops me from being, but it constantly feels like there's a voice in my head saying "this is comfortable but don't push it". Someone suffering from a mental illness (such as anxiety) is battling with their mind constantly, as well as still carrying on as normal and continuing with their routine and daily lives. It's amazing, really. I know I can get past it and I am capable, but fucking hell is it exhausting. I'm physically and mentally shattered all of the time because I am constantly thinking and thinking and thinking. I rarely ever stop.
But I'm starting to be more honest. Let's encourage people to talk about their struggles and their successes. It's been a weird start to the year because I've had to deal with a bad spell of my mental health, as well as old feelings reigniting. I am very thankful that I can be so honest with my boyfriend about my past and we both use it as a point of progression and growth. I accepted at the start of this year that I am still not over the pain my ex caused me; through the lying, cheating and betrayal. This is hard to accept because I totally thought that was old news. I'm most definitely over my ex but the pain and heartache has still left a scar - which I guess is only natural, but stings a little to admit. I saw a post of his girlfriend's - genuinely stumbled across it through mutual likes. It hurt. It doesn't hurt seeing them two together, it doesn't hurt seeing them in love. It hurts that they both get to carry on as normal when they played a massive part in ruining my life (at the time). What upset me the most after seeing this post is realising that it still bothered me and that I have turned bitter because of it. I want to see people happy. I am a good person. I have a kind heart. I do not wish ill on anyone. Seeing that post though, sparked something inside of me that I didn't like. I started thinking that they don't deserve happiness when they hurt me as much as they did. They both lied to me and broke my heart into two but they get to carry on as though nothing happened. Lying to me about being together but then showcasing the relationship all over social media. Carrying none of the guilt, none of the pain. Just carrying on. They got what they wanted and did not spare my feelings in the process. I think if you want to flaunt about positivity and kindness, you should probably practice what you preach first.
This year, I want to leave it all behind me. I have an incredible boyfriend and there is no denying I am utterly in love with him. We all go through shit that we have to deal with and it is unfair for me to allow that to taint my relationship now. So i've decided to (finally) not let it. Varian is nothing like Lewis. For that I am fucking thankful.
Thank u, next
x
Comments
Post a Comment