what a difference a day makes
It's been a bit of a shit show of a year to put it bluntly.
I started this year with the love of my life, our pets Kimmy and Storm and a lovely little house we rented in the best area surrounded by all the cats. I remember being at University and wishing my life away there, impatiently waiting for the moment I could move in with Lewis and start our lives together properly - not having to deal with long distance and train journeys. Then all of a sudden, just like that, I was living through the days I had always dreamt about. I started this year in the best way possible and with the intention to get a mortgage on the apartment of my dreams, things couldn't have been better.
It's crazy how quickly things can change and it always scares me how you can never imagine it happening. If you told me this time last year that I would not be with Lewis a year from now, I would laugh in your face. We were in love and it was real. I remember we always used to say to one another "how have we been together for two years and things are still so good?!" because it was just so new to us both - it was the longest and most serious relationship the pair of us had ever been in. I want you to know that I'm not angry anymore. I always used to joke to you and say "what if we break up and..." and you would always cut me off and say "but that's not going to happen, is it?". You stayed by my side through everything and for that I will be eternally grateful. You were the best uncle to my niece and nephews and the best brother figure to my little sister. We all adored you - thank you for sharing those special moments with us all. I won't forget them.
I'll admit I was angry at first. You broke my heart and it never feels right when your heart is broken by the person you love and trust the most in this world. You were my best friend and as soon as you decided it was over - that was it. I hate that you never tried to win me back or give us another shot. I embarrassingly begged for you, something that I said I would never ever do again after my ex before you. But when you're in love, you do stupid shit. I remember the day we broke up so clearly, I was trying to hug you and hold on to you and you just pushed me away saying "don't make this harder than it needs to be". You wouldn't even give me one last kiss goodbye. I think that hurts too, that I never knew that when I kissed you the night before, it would be the last time my lips would ever feel yours again. If I had have known it would be the last time, god I would have kissed you for hours. I remember saying to you "are we really over?" and you just said "don't make me say it" and you not saying it, said it. That was my answer and knowing how stubborn you are, I knew that was it.
I knew you didn't love me anymore. Strangely, as paranoid as I was towards the end of our relationship, I never saw any warning signs whilst we were together that you were going off of me. You were just the same as you always were - just a little distant. I never in my wildest dreams thought you would have left me because of it. Who plans ahead and agrees to signing a mortgage with someone for 25+ years if they don't see a future with them, right? Wrong. I knew you didn't love me because you broke up with me. I knew you didn't love me because you didn't fight for me. I knew you didn't love me because if you loved me you would have caved in at least once and messaged me in a moment of weakness. I'm still waiting for that text.
The text I did receive, however, was one that literally read:
"Just need to let go of it. I don't love you anymore"
Just like that. Just let it go. How can I just let go of something so special? It was real. It was so real. You loved me. I know you did. But it's okay that you don't love me anymore. The words you never want to hear. I think what hurts the most is that I have nothing to blame this on. I have no idea why we broke up, other than the fact that you wanted to be "alone", but are you really alone now? Or was that just some bullshit excuse? Did you ever love me, or was that all a lie too? I will never get the answers I deserve and even if I did, I'm not sure i'd be prepared to hear them.
I wish you everything and more. I'm doing good, I'm doing things that are not necessarily 'Chloe' but it's all a learning curve.
Thank you for being the best lesson.
X
I started this year with the love of my life, our pets Kimmy and Storm and a lovely little house we rented in the best area surrounded by all the cats. I remember being at University and wishing my life away there, impatiently waiting for the moment I could move in with Lewis and start our lives together properly - not having to deal with long distance and train journeys. Then all of a sudden, just like that, I was living through the days I had always dreamt about. I started this year in the best way possible and with the intention to get a mortgage on the apartment of my dreams, things couldn't have been better.
It's crazy how quickly things can change and it always scares me how you can never imagine it happening. If you told me this time last year that I would not be with Lewis a year from now, I would laugh in your face. We were in love and it was real. I remember we always used to say to one another "how have we been together for two years and things are still so good?!" because it was just so new to us both - it was the longest and most serious relationship the pair of us had ever been in. I want you to know that I'm not angry anymore. I always used to joke to you and say "what if we break up and..." and you would always cut me off and say "but that's not going to happen, is it?". You stayed by my side through everything and for that I will be eternally grateful. You were the best uncle to my niece and nephews and the best brother figure to my little sister. We all adored you - thank you for sharing those special moments with us all. I won't forget them.
I'll admit I was angry at first. You broke my heart and it never feels right when your heart is broken by the person you love and trust the most in this world. You were my best friend and as soon as you decided it was over - that was it. I hate that you never tried to win me back or give us another shot. I embarrassingly begged for you, something that I said I would never ever do again after my ex before you. But when you're in love, you do stupid shit. I remember the day we broke up so clearly, I was trying to hug you and hold on to you and you just pushed me away saying "don't make this harder than it needs to be". You wouldn't even give me one last kiss goodbye. I think that hurts too, that I never knew that when I kissed you the night before, it would be the last time my lips would ever feel yours again. If I had have known it would be the last time, god I would have kissed you for hours. I remember saying to you "are we really over?" and you just said "don't make me say it" and you not saying it, said it. That was my answer and knowing how stubborn you are, I knew that was it.
I knew you didn't love me anymore. Strangely, as paranoid as I was towards the end of our relationship, I never saw any warning signs whilst we were together that you were going off of me. You were just the same as you always were - just a little distant. I never in my wildest dreams thought you would have left me because of it. Who plans ahead and agrees to signing a mortgage with someone for 25+ years if they don't see a future with them, right? Wrong. I knew you didn't love me because you broke up with me. I knew you didn't love me because you didn't fight for me. I knew you didn't love me because if you loved me you would have caved in at least once and messaged me in a moment of weakness. I'm still waiting for that text.
The text I did receive, however, was one that literally read:
"Just need to let go of it. I don't love you anymore"
Just like that. Just let it go. How can I just let go of something so special? It was real. It was so real. You loved me. I know you did. But it's okay that you don't love me anymore. The words you never want to hear. I think what hurts the most is that I have nothing to blame this on. I have no idea why we broke up, other than the fact that you wanted to be "alone", but are you really alone now? Or was that just some bullshit excuse? Did you ever love me, or was that all a lie too? I will never get the answers I deserve and even if I did, I'm not sure i'd be prepared to hear them.
I wish you everything and more. I'm doing good, I'm doing things that are not necessarily 'Chloe' but it's all a learning curve.
Thank you for being the best lesson.
X
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