2017
I've literally just taken my fake nail off to type this properly (those things look good but they're not bloody practical) - so yeah, you know this is the real deal.
I didn't want to do yet another post on my heartbreak because it's just getting boring now, although a lot of you message me really sweet things about my blog posts and it warms my heart to know that something I have written could resonate with someone in such a way. However, I do find it very therapeutic in a weird way. I get so caught up in my emotions and feelings that I just need to write. It never feels enough to just write it and not do anything with it - I have challenged myself to feel more comfortable feeling vulnerable, and in a sense sharing my personal thoughts and feelings tackles this. I wanted this to be the last post on heartbreak - going into the new year and all, but fuck that "new year, new me" bullshit. I'm still gonna be heartbroken in 2018, amirite?
I have tried to ignore it, believe me I have tried. I have succeeded up until now. 20:35. Thursday 21st December, 2017. On this exact day last year I had just moved in to a gorgeous little house on Ditton Way with the love of my life. I'm sure you've all heard the story, it's basically the soundtrack of my life. Sounds awfully cliche but as another year comes to a close, I find it is only natural to somewhat reflect on the year before you. I don't mean to sound dramatic but 2017 has probably been the worst year of my life. Or maybe it's been the best year of my life for weird ways. I don't know, but what I do know is that this will be the year to shape me and change who I am. Since I've been single, I've been doing things that are not characteristically 'me', i.e: making out with random strangers in bars, using Tinder, going on dates with guys I barely know, etc, etc...... and I find myself thinking, oh my god, who am I? but is that because I am just not used to doing that because I'm used to being in a relationship or is that because that is not like me at all? I can't decide, but there's been many times I just stop and think I have turned into someone who I am not. I am trying to tell myself that Lewis did not make me a better person, I was happier because I was in love but I am still the same person without him.
I've been the saddest I've ever been this year. What's worse though is that my friends have too. It is scary how many of the people around me are also going through a dreadful time. I wish to avoid repeating myself, but I have had some of the lowest lows this year. I have had lows before. When my ex boyfriend before Lewis broke up with me, I probably (in fact, most definitely) cried more then than I cried over Lewis. When I visited my Dad in prison years ago and he said that I didn't look like his little girl anymore. When my cat Smudge died. When I gave my Grandad a Christmas present and he threw it in my face and called me sly. When my fucking childminder used to physically tug on my hood when we were crossing the road and nearly choke me half to bloody death.
This is not me playing the sympathy card, believe me I could go worse, I'm making the point that I have been through shit - but this year has still been the one to have tested me. I understand that there are some things in life that you will just never understand and I understand also that trying to understand will make you crazy. That doesn't stop me from wanting to try. I thought I knew Lewis more than anyone in this world. Knew his weaknesses, his strengths, knew what made him happy, what made him sad and even the face he would make when he was feeling those emotions. I knew him. You can never get too comfortable, I did not see this coming in a million years. I did not know this side to him. It's not a bad side, I would never say a bad word about him. I just never knew a Lewis that did not love me.
I hate that this Christmas feels different. It feels lonely, I have to admit. I love living by myself but it's nothing compared to the feeling of living with your best friend. It's the little things that I miss the most.. I miss holding your hand, I miss brushing my teeth with you and you laughing at the face I make when I do so, I miss smelling under your armpits when I would lay my head on your chest, I miss you coming home from work with all the treats in the world and donuts the size of my head, I miss cuddles on the sofa and a personal body warmer because I'm always cold, I miss being able to say your name without my chest tightening. I miss you.
I love this time of year more than anything and it's just not been the same this year at all. Funnily enough, I have a card from you at the start of this year which literally says that "2017 is going to be one hell of a year". We had so many plans. I often wonder if the bloody house had have actually finished being built when they said it would have, would things have been different? Would you have gone ahead with getting this mortgage with me? Was it just the fact that we were so stressed out due to our living circumstances, or did you just actually fall out of love with me? When was the exact moment you looked at me and felt nothing? It really was one hell of a year, hey?
This year has been the year where I have had my heart physically ripped out from my chest and I feel like there is a Lewis-shaped hole missing from it, even though I am trying to glue it back together and sort of mould it so that there is no longer a Lewis-shaped hole but just a hole, ready for someone to slot nicely in (no innuendos intended). I not only lost my best friend but I lost all of his amazing family too, who I think about often. I understand why it would be weird for them to keep in contact but I wish that it wasn't weird. Family is so important to me and at this time of the year we would always play games and order takeaway whilst watching shitty YouTube videos. I miss our cat Kimmy, although she was Lewis' cat to begin with, she felt just as much mine and she was loved so much. I miss having a cat around, Storm is perfect but I would definitely appreciate snuggles on the sofa and not just from random guys who think I'm hot based off of a posed picture on Tinder.
However, this year has taught me that without the friends I have - I would be truly lost. I have everything to thank them for and they are just the best people in the world. I have never felt more myself in my whole life and more comfortable with who I am and who I want to be. I feel (mainly) confident in my appearance and I know that I am a good person with a big heart. I said 2017 was going to be our year, mine and Lewis'. So, may 2018 be MY year. The year I continue to progress in my career which will hopefully allow me to become a fully qualified teacher (!!), tackle my anxiety, continue to have the best time with my amazing friends (new and old) and thank my family for their patience, kindness and selflessness.
Have a very Merry Christmas everyone and may 2018 bring you much happiness and good food :-)
x
I didn't want to do yet another post on my heartbreak because it's just getting boring now, although a lot of you message me really sweet things about my blog posts and it warms my heart to know that something I have written could resonate with someone in such a way. However, I do find it very therapeutic in a weird way. I get so caught up in my emotions and feelings that I just need to write. It never feels enough to just write it and not do anything with it - I have challenged myself to feel more comfortable feeling vulnerable, and in a sense sharing my personal thoughts and feelings tackles this. I wanted this to be the last post on heartbreak - going into the new year and all, but fuck that "new year, new me" bullshit. I'm still gonna be heartbroken in 2018, amirite?
I have tried to ignore it, believe me I have tried. I have succeeded up until now. 20:35. Thursday 21st December, 2017. On this exact day last year I had just moved in to a gorgeous little house on Ditton Way with the love of my life. I'm sure you've all heard the story, it's basically the soundtrack of my life. Sounds awfully cliche but as another year comes to a close, I find it is only natural to somewhat reflect on the year before you. I don't mean to sound dramatic but 2017 has probably been the worst year of my life. Or maybe it's been the best year of my life for weird ways. I don't know, but what I do know is that this will be the year to shape me and change who I am. Since I've been single, I've been doing things that are not characteristically 'me', i.e: making out with random strangers in bars, using Tinder, going on dates with guys I barely know, etc, etc...... and I find myself thinking, oh my god, who am I? but is that because I am just not used to doing that because I'm used to being in a relationship or is that because that is not like me at all? I can't decide, but there's been many times I just stop and think I have turned into someone who I am not. I am trying to tell myself that Lewis did not make me a better person, I was happier because I was in love but I am still the same person without him.
I've been the saddest I've ever been this year. What's worse though is that my friends have too. It is scary how many of the people around me are also going through a dreadful time. I wish to avoid repeating myself, but I have had some of the lowest lows this year. I have had lows before. When my ex boyfriend before Lewis broke up with me, I probably (in fact, most definitely) cried more then than I cried over Lewis. When I visited my Dad in prison years ago and he said that I didn't look like his little girl anymore. When my cat Smudge died. When I gave my Grandad a Christmas present and he threw it in my face and called me sly. When my fucking childminder used to physically tug on my hood when we were crossing the road and nearly choke me half to bloody death.
This is not me playing the sympathy card, believe me I could go worse, I'm making the point that I have been through shit - but this year has still been the one to have tested me. I understand that there are some things in life that you will just never understand and I understand also that trying to understand will make you crazy. That doesn't stop me from wanting to try. I thought I knew Lewis more than anyone in this world. Knew his weaknesses, his strengths, knew what made him happy, what made him sad and even the face he would make when he was feeling those emotions. I knew him. You can never get too comfortable, I did not see this coming in a million years. I did not know this side to him. It's not a bad side, I would never say a bad word about him. I just never knew a Lewis that did not love me.
I hate that this Christmas feels different. It feels lonely, I have to admit. I love living by myself but it's nothing compared to the feeling of living with your best friend. It's the little things that I miss the most.. I miss holding your hand, I miss brushing my teeth with you and you laughing at the face I make when I do so, I miss smelling under your armpits when I would lay my head on your chest, I miss you coming home from work with all the treats in the world and donuts the size of my head, I miss cuddles on the sofa and a personal body warmer because I'm always cold, I miss being able to say your name without my chest tightening. I miss you.
I love this time of year more than anything and it's just not been the same this year at all. Funnily enough, I have a card from you at the start of this year which literally says that "2017 is going to be one hell of a year". We had so many plans. I often wonder if the bloody house had have actually finished being built when they said it would have, would things have been different? Would you have gone ahead with getting this mortgage with me? Was it just the fact that we were so stressed out due to our living circumstances, or did you just actually fall out of love with me? When was the exact moment you looked at me and felt nothing? It really was one hell of a year, hey?
This year has been the year where I have had my heart physically ripped out from my chest and I feel like there is a Lewis-shaped hole missing from it, even though I am trying to glue it back together and sort of mould it so that there is no longer a Lewis-shaped hole but just a hole, ready for someone to slot nicely in (no innuendos intended). I not only lost my best friend but I lost all of his amazing family too, who I think about often. I understand why it would be weird for them to keep in contact but I wish that it wasn't weird. Family is so important to me and at this time of the year we would always play games and order takeaway whilst watching shitty YouTube videos. I miss our cat Kimmy, although she was Lewis' cat to begin with, she felt just as much mine and she was loved so much. I miss having a cat around, Storm is perfect but I would definitely appreciate snuggles on the sofa and not just from random guys who think I'm hot based off of a posed picture on Tinder.
However, this year has taught me that without the friends I have - I would be truly lost. I have everything to thank them for and they are just the best people in the world. I have never felt more myself in my whole life and more comfortable with who I am and who I want to be. I feel (mainly) confident in my appearance and I know that I am a good person with a big heart. I said 2017 was going to be our year, mine and Lewis'. So, may 2018 be MY year. The year I continue to progress in my career which will hopefully allow me to become a fully qualified teacher (!!), tackle my anxiety, continue to have the best time with my amazing friends (new and old) and thank my family for their patience, kindness and selflessness.
Have a very Merry Christmas everyone and may 2018 bring you much happiness and good food :-)
x
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