love and loss

Hello! I thought I'd update you all on the pleasant fact that I have officially passed my first year at University! I am super proud of myself if I'm completely honest. Everyone doubts themselves at moments and there have been plenty of times where I have felt as though I am not capable of doing something, so to have got two firsts in one of my modules (my favourite one at that) was a massive shock to me and completely amazing and overwhelming. When someone who actually has a degree in your subject of interest tells you that you're doing good and you get that push in the right direction where you know you're actually doing well, it desperately gives you that confidence you hope for. I really needed that. All I can say is that I can't wait to pull my socks up even more in the upcoming year, especially with it being based more around the Television element of Journalism which is what appeals to me the most. I never thought I'd be excited to study.. Who am I?

I know I repeat myself with this a lot but I honestly have the best friends anyone could ever ask for. I am so lucky for that. Whenever I have felt shit, they have always been there without a doubt. It is exceptionally comforting. It was my birthday yesterday (I am 20 now and it feels very surreal as I am sure I am still about 15), I had a bunch of friends round on Thursday evening for pre-birthday celebrations, being the big kid I am I had a homemade piñata filled with sweets and even had pin the tail on the donkey (which we were all far too drunk to even attempt- but the piñata was absolutely hilarious). I have actually honestly never felt as loved as I did that night and that was so important for me. I was surrounded by the best company, I was pleasantly drunk, I felt good, I was in Sin (best and worst place ever) and everyone was showing me so much love and affection, it was so lovely. I am grateful every day for the fact that I do not have to wallow in self pity alone in my room listening to Adele crying at 2am wondering why He no longer loves me. My friends are the best distraction. 

Every day they remind me of my self worth without even realising which is vital. I am not a bad person and never do I try to be, I treat people the way I wish to be treated. I like my choices. Finally I am starting to see that if that is not good enough for you then that is not my problem. I want to thank You (you being in capital letters specifically because I am referring to You) for showing me a lot about love and even more about loss. You showed me a lot about myself, good and bad. It's taught me I have a lot of respect, time, patience and effort for people who do not deserve it, evidently. You have opened my eyes and after everything, I still very much view You in a positive light. Why? No idea. When I love, I love. It is not half-hearted. I wish for someone who adores me, who wants me around, enjoys my company and for that to always be enough, to remind me that they want me in their life. I hope you like your choices. 

Recently I have had some bad anxiety issues but I have tried not to let it bring me down. I guess like most of my rambling posts this does not have much of a point to it but sometimes it is nice to just express how you feel and it is so surprising and nice to hear so many people say to me how they read my posts, very flattering and the best compliment. On that note, I promised a "shout out". Here's to you, Tom Morris. You dick. (Love you really) X


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