happiness after pain

I think it's painfully sad that I haven't written in a long time because I've been happy. It's sad that I feel like I can only write about pain and heartache. I haven't had that same urge to write because I've been too busy being happy. In hindsight, I'm sure that's a good thing.

Happiness is one thing: happiness after a lifetime of pain is another. Since we've last spoken, I met a guy and he asked me to be his girlfriend. To which I agreed and continue to relish in his presence. It feels completely surreal to me to think about the path I have been on and where I'm at now. I'm definitely still hurt, still healing with every day that comes, but I openly speak to Varian about it and I'm fortunate enough that he is super understanding about it all. 

"When you start loving someone new, you laugh at the indecisiveness of love. Remember when you were sure the last one was the one and now here you are, redefining the one all over again".

I was sure back then that I knew what Love looked like. Love to me wore ridiculously low tank tops, Love wore a beanie at all times, Love lived in the same pair of black skinny jeans. Now Love doesn't care about fashion. Love works in a far more spiritual way. Love speaks in funny accents and Love sees past what I thought Love was.

Love disappeared and when Love reappeared, I barely recognised him. Love was different now, Love wore his hair up rather than down, Love wore a different cologne, Love snored and Love had lighter eyes, broader shoulders and Love came with freckles placed delicately upon his nose. Now there were new traditions, new sleeping patterns, new favourite restaurants, new stories to tell, new memories to share, new songs that reminded me of Love. This time Love was not who I thought he was. Love before had songs that reminded him of someone else, Love had someone else to eat nachos with, someone else to bring along to family events, someone else to spend all of their time with. So did I.

Now, Love is a terrible over-thinker but wonderful at covering all bases so that nothing is to surprise him. Love is awful at dancing but lets himself be free from fear anyway. Love does not always understand but is always prepared to listen. Love says "aye" far too many times in one sentence but you enjoy listening to his accent anyway. Love is a smoker and a caffeine fiend but Love makes me feel like I'm his drug. Love cannot always express how he feels, he does not always say the right things but Love will always work toward a personal level of growth. Love struggles to accept things out of his control but always looks for a deeper meaning. Love is not always good in social situations but Love gets on with your friends amazingly. Love will tell you that you are beautiful over and over again. You are beautiful. When you've just been crying. You are beautiful. You're hungover looking rough as anything. You are beautiful. Love gives you cute nicknames. Love cooks for you and even cleans up after. Love goes to the shops to buy you food and drink when you're hungover or just feeling lazy. Love cleans your bedroom when you're in the shower. Love will annoy you by telling you to eat your greens and fix your diet but Love has all the best intentions. Love will get you into drinking orange juice (strictly not from concentrate) and Love will try (and succeed) when it comes to persuading you to eat raw cloves of garlic because it will make you feel better when you're ill. Without this kind of Love, you would never have established your love for asparagus. Your love for a greater good. Your love for... Love.

Love leaves exactly when love must. Thank you for stopping by. Love arrives exactly when love is supposed to. Welcome, Varian. Here's to us.

x



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