2018
So far, 2018 is shaping up to be everything I wanted and needed it to be.
I think I will always look back on 2017 and everything that came with it and feel grateful that it happened. I can't believe I've got to a point in my life where I can say that, because I still know how raw my pain was, how very real it was and how much it affected my life. But I thank it. I thank it all. Without that pain, that heartbreak, there was no defining moment where I had to change. I didn't feel like there was anything that needed to change, but looking back I should have done things differently. I neglected my friends and rarely went out because I was so in love, and I don't regret that. That was what I wanted. He was what I wanted. I was ready to settle down, think about having kids, getting married. Which is so mental to think about now because I could not be further away from that. I used to beat myself up about that, panicking because I had to start again and I felt like I had been pushed back. I needed to remind myself that just because I had this plan for my life - doesn't mean I had to stick to it.
I didn't love myself back then. I thought I did but I would have put Lewis before myself any day of the week. I'm not saying that in order to love yourself you have to put yourself first but it's important to realise your self-worth and not allow yourself to be walked over. Ironically, this was one of the most frustrating things people would say to me after the break-up. "You need to learn how to love yourself first before you can love anyone else" - it felt so demoralising. I thought I did love myself, so having someone then turn around and essentially tell you that your heartbreak will not go away, or you will not find another significant other until you learn to 'love yourself'; hurts.
When Ru-Paul said "if you can't love yourself, how in the hell you gonna love somebody else?" I felt that.
It is one of those things as well that when you are in that moment, you want an instant fix. Loving yourself is no instant fix. It cannot happen overnight. Self-love started when I forgave myself. Telling myself that it is okay to feel sad, that my feelings are valid, that I don't have to get out of bed today, that it was not all my fault. That positivity kept me going when times were rough. Reminding myself of some things that were said to me and wanting to prove people wrong. I remember my ex told me at one point that he can't be with me anymore if I can't be happy in myself and if I can't trust him. Of course, at the time I wanted to prove to him that I was happy. Looking back, I don't have to justify myself to anyone. My happiness was not a correlating factor toward our relationship. Sure, I was in a dark place but that was not strictly related to our relationship. You can have one and the other.
Also, ask yourself why you don't fully trust Him. That may have something to do with it. It's not all on you. Be easy on yourself.
"I finally get it now. You were right. I was too loving, too touchy-feely, too deep, too sensitive, too passionate, too caring, too romantic, too involved... too much. I was and still am, all of those things. And you didn't and still don't deserve someone like me."
It is easier said than done but loving myself was the best thing I have ever done. I have flaws, sure. No one is perfect. But I can safely say I am 100% happy with who I am now. Honestly this break-up has been a weird spiritual awakening for me. (Never thought I would say that in a million years). It was the worst pain I have ever felt and I wouldn't wish it upon my worst enemy but it was the defining moment for me. Things had to get better - they couldn't get much worse. That was comforting. I knew I needed to turn my pain into power and I did just that, by continuing to get by. Not letting it stop me. Carrying on despite it all.
I am now doing things that I never would have done because I was so dependant on this bubble I had created. It feels SO fucking good to be selfish and do things for me. Living by myself was another definitive moment for me; creating a safe space where I could create happy memories. I have probably never felt better than I do right now. I am in a really good place and I am so proud of myself. I think stopping and appreciating the journey you have been on is not big-headed but merely self-reflective, which is crucial.
To anyone going through this awful period of your life, I've been there. It fucking sucks. Believe me, it gets better! It's amazing to think that some of the best days of our lives have not happened yet.
One thing I tried to do when going through the worst of it was to reach out to people. It sounds quite obvious, but for me that was something I had not done in a long time. I was so happy in my bubble that no one else really existed anymore. Why reach out to friends when you can just tell your boyfriend everything? I thought. When it ended, reaching out to people was something unusual to me and I found it quite liberating in a way. The prospect of meeting new people, having the time to go out and have fun without constantly fighting between the idea of going out or staying in with my boyfriend to binge watch Netflix and cuddle. I knew the latter would always win. When that option is out of the question, you have no choice but to push yourself out of your boundaries. I knew I was done being sad and something had to be done.
Speaking to people I had not really spoken to before felt amazing. The idea of opening myself up again and gaining a bit of myself back. Remembering what you enjoy, not what you both enjoyed.
I found that a broken heart can hurt physically as well as emotionally. I felt drained. Going out every weekend and getting drunk with your friends is all well and good but it's the mid-week stuff that you have to factor in as well. I knew I wanted to live alone because I didn't want to be at my family home anymore and I knew living with my friends would be too overwhelming after living with my ex. It took me a long time to realise and accept that the apartment of my dreams was not mine and was never going to be mine. After that, I tried to do as many things that would make me happy as possible. Albeit that sometimes meant dating guys who weren't ever even really that nice to me. But hey, it was what I wanted at the time. Trying to stop questioning my motives. If you want to do it, it makes you happy and doesn't hurt/upset anyone else - fuck it. Life is for living.
Sadly, sometimes all you can do it feel it. Ride the wave. Truthfully, sometimes things don't work out for a reason. We may never know what this reason is and it may feel so wrong and fucked up, I get it. But it's happened and you've got to try accept it, look at it for what it is and wish them well and on their way.
Put on that lipstick. Dress to impress (even if that is only for yourself). Dance like there's no tomorrow.
Rule number 1: listen to your gut. I feel it is very rare that a women's intuition is wrong. I learnt this the hard way. I saw the signs and chose to ignore them, out of the trust I supposedly did not have. Funny that.
It's okay to gain feelings for other people. I used to say to myself 'but I can't possibly fancy him, because I love Lewis'. Truth is, you can do both. Another thing was that I was worried what people would think, 'well, she couldn't possibly have loved him as much as she made out she did if she's moving on'. 1, I can do whatever the fuck I want and 2, I can love someone and no longer be in love with them. Very different.
I still have feelings of love for my ex but I would not say that I am in love with him anymore. I can't even believe I'm at this stage. Honestly, I thought I would still be crying over him for years to come but it's amazing how much better I feel knowing that I wasn't some crazy bitch and actually he did me wrong. I don't need someone like that. Thank god i'm strong enough to realise that now. "One day you will look back and see a different person to the one you are now, a person you want to go back to, hug and tell them everything is going to be ok because it is".
You'll get a happy ever after, look around you at all the couples who you think are perfect. No one knows what their relationship is like behind closed doors but even if you argue, it can work. You don't have to be perfect with zero annoying habits to get the happy ending that you deserve.
Laughter is the best medicine. To my friends, thank you for bringing me back to myself. Without you, I would still be lost.
Life goes on, and life went on without you. Of course, it did. Of course, it does. It was just an ending, they tell me, not the end.
x
I think I will always look back on 2017 and everything that came with it and feel grateful that it happened. I can't believe I've got to a point in my life where I can say that, because I still know how raw my pain was, how very real it was and how much it affected my life. But I thank it. I thank it all. Without that pain, that heartbreak, there was no defining moment where I had to change. I didn't feel like there was anything that needed to change, but looking back I should have done things differently. I neglected my friends and rarely went out because I was so in love, and I don't regret that. That was what I wanted. He was what I wanted. I was ready to settle down, think about having kids, getting married. Which is so mental to think about now because I could not be further away from that. I used to beat myself up about that, panicking because I had to start again and I felt like I had been pushed back. I needed to remind myself that just because I had this plan for my life - doesn't mean I had to stick to it.
I didn't love myself back then. I thought I did but I would have put Lewis before myself any day of the week. I'm not saying that in order to love yourself you have to put yourself first but it's important to realise your self-worth and not allow yourself to be walked over. Ironically, this was one of the most frustrating things people would say to me after the break-up. "You need to learn how to love yourself first before you can love anyone else" - it felt so demoralising. I thought I did love myself, so having someone then turn around and essentially tell you that your heartbreak will not go away, or you will not find another significant other until you learn to 'love yourself'; hurts.
When Ru-Paul said "if you can't love yourself, how in the hell you gonna love somebody else?" I felt that.
It is one of those things as well that when you are in that moment, you want an instant fix. Loving yourself is no instant fix. It cannot happen overnight. Self-love started when I forgave myself. Telling myself that it is okay to feel sad, that my feelings are valid, that I don't have to get out of bed today, that it was not all my fault. That positivity kept me going when times were rough. Reminding myself of some things that were said to me and wanting to prove people wrong. I remember my ex told me at one point that he can't be with me anymore if I can't be happy in myself and if I can't trust him. Of course, at the time I wanted to prove to him that I was happy. Looking back, I don't have to justify myself to anyone. My happiness was not a correlating factor toward our relationship. Sure, I was in a dark place but that was not strictly related to our relationship. You can have one and the other.
Also, ask yourself why you don't fully trust Him. That may have something to do with it. It's not all on you. Be easy on yourself.
"I finally get it now. You were right. I was too loving, too touchy-feely, too deep, too sensitive, too passionate, too caring, too romantic, too involved... too much. I was and still am, all of those things. And you didn't and still don't deserve someone like me."
It is easier said than done but loving myself was the best thing I have ever done. I have flaws, sure. No one is perfect. But I can safely say I am 100% happy with who I am now. Honestly this break-up has been a weird spiritual awakening for me. (Never thought I would say that in a million years). It was the worst pain I have ever felt and I wouldn't wish it upon my worst enemy but it was the defining moment for me. Things had to get better - they couldn't get much worse. That was comforting. I knew I needed to turn my pain into power and I did just that, by continuing to get by. Not letting it stop me. Carrying on despite it all.
I am now doing things that I never would have done because I was so dependant on this bubble I had created. It feels SO fucking good to be selfish and do things for me. Living by myself was another definitive moment for me; creating a safe space where I could create happy memories. I have probably never felt better than I do right now. I am in a really good place and I am so proud of myself. I think stopping and appreciating the journey you have been on is not big-headed but merely self-reflective, which is crucial.
To anyone going through this awful period of your life, I've been there. It fucking sucks. Believe me, it gets better! It's amazing to think that some of the best days of our lives have not happened yet.
One thing I tried to do when going through the worst of it was to reach out to people. It sounds quite obvious, but for me that was something I had not done in a long time. I was so happy in my bubble that no one else really existed anymore. Why reach out to friends when you can just tell your boyfriend everything? I thought. When it ended, reaching out to people was something unusual to me and I found it quite liberating in a way. The prospect of meeting new people, having the time to go out and have fun without constantly fighting between the idea of going out or staying in with my boyfriend to binge watch Netflix and cuddle. I knew the latter would always win. When that option is out of the question, you have no choice but to push yourself out of your boundaries. I knew I was done being sad and something had to be done.
Speaking to people I had not really spoken to before felt amazing. The idea of opening myself up again and gaining a bit of myself back. Remembering what you enjoy, not what you both enjoyed.
I found that a broken heart can hurt physically as well as emotionally. I felt drained. Going out every weekend and getting drunk with your friends is all well and good but it's the mid-week stuff that you have to factor in as well. I knew I wanted to live alone because I didn't want to be at my family home anymore and I knew living with my friends would be too overwhelming after living with my ex. It took me a long time to realise and accept that the apartment of my dreams was not mine and was never going to be mine. After that, I tried to do as many things that would make me happy as possible. Albeit that sometimes meant dating guys who weren't ever even really that nice to me. But hey, it was what I wanted at the time. Trying to stop questioning my motives. If you want to do it, it makes you happy and doesn't hurt/upset anyone else - fuck it. Life is for living.
Sadly, sometimes all you can do it feel it. Ride the wave. Truthfully, sometimes things don't work out for a reason. We may never know what this reason is and it may feel so wrong and fucked up, I get it. But it's happened and you've got to try accept it, look at it for what it is and wish them well and on their way.
Put on that lipstick. Dress to impress (even if that is only for yourself). Dance like there's no tomorrow.
Rule number 1: listen to your gut. I feel it is very rare that a women's intuition is wrong. I learnt this the hard way. I saw the signs and chose to ignore them, out of the trust I supposedly did not have. Funny that.
It's okay to gain feelings for other people. I used to say to myself 'but I can't possibly fancy him, because I love Lewis'. Truth is, you can do both. Another thing was that I was worried what people would think, 'well, she couldn't possibly have loved him as much as she made out she did if she's moving on'. 1, I can do whatever the fuck I want and 2, I can love someone and no longer be in love with them. Very different.
I still have feelings of love for my ex but I would not say that I am in love with him anymore. I can't even believe I'm at this stage. Honestly, I thought I would still be crying over him for years to come but it's amazing how much better I feel knowing that I wasn't some crazy bitch and actually he did me wrong. I don't need someone like that. Thank god i'm strong enough to realise that now. "One day you will look back and see a different person to the one you are now, a person you want to go back to, hug and tell them everything is going to be ok because it is".
You'll get a happy ever after, look around you at all the couples who you think are perfect. No one knows what their relationship is like behind closed doors but even if you argue, it can work. You don't have to be perfect with zero annoying habits to get the happy ending that you deserve.
Laughter is the best medicine. To my friends, thank you for bringing me back to myself. Without you, I would still be lost.
Life goes on, and life went on without you. Of course, it did. Of course, it does. It was just an ending, they tell me, not the end.
x
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