to my best friends, and his

I wanted to write this for when I get better. When hearing your name no longer makes my heart sink and seeing a picture of you no longer leaves me breathless. 

I want to remember. I want to remember exactly how I’m feeling right now, so that I can look back and say I got through it. I have to look forward otherwise this hole I’ve got myself stuck in just seems to be getting deeper and deeper. I need to find a ladder so I can slowly climb my way out. I want to remember the hurt I feel. I want to remember how much I tried to win you back and how my efforts were rejected and I was left humiliated. I want to remember how I loved you until it physically hurt. I want to remember how I expected the very minimum from you and I was still left disappointed. I did not expect for you to come crawling back on your hands and knees because you had realised you had made a mistake. I wanted that, I wanted that more than I’ve ever wanted anything. I wanted you in the most innocent sense. I wanted us to be us again. I wanted my best friend. I wanted my friend. I wanted you back more than I wanted the apartment of our dreams, more than I wanted for you to be a part of my family again, more than I wanted to mother our cat and more than I wanted for the bills to be split and shared. I wanted something as little as a text back and to not be ignored, you made me feel so worthless - like the three years we spent together meant nothing. I meant nothing. That’s what destroys me the most, that i’m here living by myself after this shit show of a year has totally destroyed me and you don’t even care. You were everything, you left me with nothing. I wanted words and all I heard was nothing. 

Chantelle, thank you for getting wine drunk with me. Thank you for opening up to me and letting me rant to you. Thank you for not just telling me what you think I want to hear but for also being ruthless and telling me what I need to hear. Thank you for not just taking my side because I’m your friend but for seeing and understanding both sides and telling me when i’m wrong or overreacting. 

Shona, thank you for being a hoe with me. I needed to do something out of my character, just because I had been used to being in a relationship for so long. I wanted to do something crazy, even just for one night. We sure did that and i’ll never forget it. Thank you for buying me wine when I was sad, for always making me feel like a queen and for always agreeing to go out with me even if you don’t feel like it. Thank you for allowing me to completely be myself around you and for never making me second guess myself. 

Penny, thank you for sharing a distaste in men with me. We’ve both been royally screwed over and yet you somehow manage to make me laugh through it all. Thank you for letting me rant on at you and for listening and comparing it to situations you have been through too. This in turn has allowed us to become closer because we have been able to speak through some of our difficulties in the past, thank you for understanding me and for knowing me inside and out - I never have to explain myself and for that I am eternally grateful. 

Emily, thank you for hyping me up all the time. You make me feel a million dollars. You have been so compassionate and understanding. We have never fully spoken about it all but you have always been so lovely and warm towards me and I appreciate it so much. 

Freddy, thank you for all your kind words. Thank you for allowing our friendship to pick up from where it left off. 

Peter, thank you for being the first guy that I looked at ‘in that way’ after Lewis. I was an awful, anxious date and you were so understanding and chill. It was weird spending time with another guy so quickly after Lewis and I had broken up but it was so refreshing. Thank you for playing my favourite board game with me and treating me to pool. It was too soon for us to work but thank you for allowing us to try (and fail!)

This one is hard to write. Gemma, thank you doesn’t quite cover it. When I went through my first ever heartbreak and felt like my world was collapsing around me, it was you who was my first port of call. You were the first person to rush over to my house back in 2010, no one would believe it but you genuinely sat with me all day and night whilst I just cried on your shoulder. There was a period of time where we didn’t speak for a while - this was usual for us but usually we could go ages without speaking and nothing would change. Somehow this time was different but recently we have reconnected and we’re back to our normal (well, normal for us) ways. That’s why I need to say thank you. Thank you for never giving up on me. Years down the line, distance between us, you were still the first person that came to my house when Lewis and I broke up. It felt like de ja vu. When I didn’t answer my phone, thank you for not taking any chances and just calling the police. When the police were banging the door down, you pushed yourself past them, crying, and ran to my aid. I needed someone and you were there. Thank you for never judging me. Blood dripping down my wrists, my breath smelling of vodka. My life was falling apart and my mum was on holiday so I was left totally home alone. Thank you for calling my mum and reassuring her I was going to be okay. I’m probably only okay because you came. Thank you for attempting to use the toilet roll as a bandage and cleaning my wounds. Thank you for then staying with me for days after because I was worried I would do something stupid if I was left home alone. You never complained or hesitated and my gift to you was introducing you to Stranger Things. I will never forget that day and I will never ever take our friendship for granted. 

Lucy, I have no idea where to start. Thank you for being one of the only people I can tell absolutely anything. I don’t keep a single thing from you and the amount of texts I’ve sent you at random times throughout the day telling you that I’ve got an urge to text him is ridiculous. Thank you for being patient with me. You’ll spend ages listing reasons why texting him would be an awful way and I go and do it anyway. Yes, you’re right. He ignores it or sends me something in return that leads me to feel even worse or overanalyse everything. Thank you for letting me go on and on and on about myself and listening every step of the way. Thank you for making me see the light at the end of the tunnel, you’ve kept me bloody sane and I’ve no idea what I would do without you. Thank you for making me laugh non-stop even when all I want to do is cry - but then thank you for letting me cry and telling me it’s good to get it out of my system. When Lewis and I were having a few arguments towards the end of our relationship, I remember the worst time was when I had left the house Lewis and I were living at because I’d had enough and it was pouring it down with rain and I just called you crying my eyes out. Thank you for always saying the right things and for always being there 24/7. Thank you for sending me inspirational quotes and for always reminding me that I am a good person and that I deserve good things. I am the person I am today because of the people I associate myself with. I am the person I am today because of who you have helped me to be. Thank you for sending me my daily horoscope and finding some way I can relate it to myself. Thank you for coming into town with me (and getting you know what). I never feel like I have to hide anything with you - you’re the best friend I could ask for. Thank you for that. 

Zoe, Mel, Josh, Adam, Gab, Meg, Josie, Lee, Stef, James… my word compadres. I honestly have no idea what I would do without work as my outlet. I needed something to occupy me and keep me busy. You guys have been ANGELS. I never dread coming into work because I love my job but most importantly I bloody love the people I work with. Thank you for listening to me rant on or lending me money so I can drown my sorrows in greasy pizza at break time and just generally making work all the more pleasant. I always have a laugh with you guys, thank you for helping me look forward and thank you for feeding me compliments on a daily basis. I’ve truly gained friends for life and I feel so very blessed to know you all.

My uni pals… 

Thank you so much for being the best bunch of people ever. Thank you Meg for always offering to come visit me and for always checking up on me from time to time. Our lives are all so busy now but you never forget about me. Thank you Roisin and Helen for sending me positive vibes from afar. You guys are just the best support system. 

No thank you’s will cover how grateful I am to have you, Mum. You and Ian allowed me to live at your house when my relationship broke down and you never mentioned money. You cooked for me and washed my clothes when I was feeling very depressed. You still make dinner for me every evening now and I finally have a fridge and a place to live! You don’t make me feel unwelcome and I can’t thank you enough for listening to me whine on and cry at you. I even asked for you to try win him back on my behalf - I was desperate to try everything. Upon reflection I feel very embarrassed but Mum was probably more willing to try than I even wanted her to. It wasn’t just me who was affected by our break up. 

Thank you to my little sister for letting me sleep on the floor of her bedroom because everything I owned was in storage. I did my make up in her room every day and although she complained, she let me do it anyway. Thank you to my big sister for understanding and reassuring me that if she could get through it once before - I would be fine. 

To his best friends, 

Look after him. I know it sounds ridiculous because he is 25 years old and perfectly capable of looking after himself but please, look after him. I know you probably think I’m this crazy ex girlfriend but please know that if you get to know me, you will know that I am nothing like what you think I may be. At the end of the day, he dated me for three years so I can’t be totally awful. I have judged you all wrongly too, and for that I am sorry. It may not always seem like I am being reasonable but I would never want to intentionally hurt him. I love him with all my heart, still, and he is very precious to me. He always will be. The next girl he dates could obviously not possibly be hotter than I am… in all seriousness, please ensure she will treat him like he deserves to be treated. He is very kind and gentle and he deserves someone who will make him really happy. I bet you’re all stoked to have him back, part of the gang again and going out every weekend. Please know I never ever stopped him from going out. I admit that I wanted to spend as much time with him as possible but I would never have stopped him from seeing any of you. I stopped seeing my friends too, it wasn’t intentional from either of us. Love does weird things.

To every single person who has messaged me about my blog posts, said that me rambling on about the goings of my mind has helped them somehow, told me on nights out how well I’m doing, to Summer for constantly checking up on me and asking how I am, for Iara for being the most inspirational person ever and making me feel human, to Julian for making me feel like a sassy queen and for sending me copious gifs and pictures of puppies to cheer me up, to Khanada for inviting me over for pizza and movies (even though we couldn’t do it, the gesture was so lovely- we still need to do this!) and for letting me open up to you, to Jess for being a sassy feminist with me, to Anna who has shared heartache with me, to Ben who has been around for so long and I've only just realised how much we have in common and how easy you are to talk to and how bloody lovely you are and everyone else who has just generally been bloody lovely to me. You have no idea how much it’s helping - thank you.