Why I'm old before my time.
Hello!
It's been a while. I say that every time, right?
Blogging is not something I prioritise anymore, especially with my job becoming slightly more demanding and full-on. I wanted to write about something which has been playing on my mind, though.
So, if you're reading this you're probably wondering 'why I'm old before my time'.
This post has been a long time in the making and I've been put off for a long time. I think that's because I don't fully want to (and haven't) accepted it all myself.
I'm scared.
I'm scared of a lot of things. I'm not your typical introvert but when thinking about the standard check-list for an introvert, I've realised recently I seem to fit the bill. Anxiety controls a lot of my life, and strangely sometimes I'm still in denial that I suffer from it at all. I see posts about anxiety all the time - which is great, I'm glad it's getting the attention it needs. I want people to know about anxiety and about mental health in general as a whole. When reading some of these posts, I often think to myself, 'I don't get like that so I must not have anxiety'. It sounds silly. I've realised that there is more than one type of anxiety and that's okay. I'm not an anxious person. This sounds ridiculous as yes, I do have anxiety, but no I am not an anxious person. When I think of 'anxious' as an adjective and when I describe the word to my students, I explain that to be 'anxious' is to show worry or to feel scared. I'm not worried, I'm not scared. I've never been an introvert - I've never been like this. You don't have to be an introvert to have anxiety but you understand what I'm getting at.
Let me explain. I've never been one to shy away from speaking to people. I teach for a living - I enjoy speaking. The thought of speaking and projecting myself in front of a class of children (no matter what age) did used to terrify me and make me 'anxious' but that was just nerves, not anxiety (and there is a difference!). I don't do things I used to enjoy anymore. I don't go out clubbing anymore. I barely drink anymore. I don't go out for meals anymore. I very rarely eat in front of people anymore. I don't really know who I am anymore. It's strange to me because it's not like I'm unhappy with who I am. I like myself as a person, I'm proud of how far I have come and who I am today. I'm so much happier and more positive than I've been in a long time (perhaps ever). So it's not like I mind my anxiety taking control, of course I don't want it to but I've just gotten used to it I guess. Maybe that's sad, I don't know.
My best friend just messaged me asking if I wanted to go out with her one night. She asks me quite a lot and every time I sort of make up some excuse. I'm sorry Luce, I'm sorry if I'm a shit friend. I don't know why I make up excuses when I know I could just tell the truth and feel 100% better for it. ''I'm sorry I'm not up for going out, it triggers my anxiety" - it could be that simple. In fact, for once I did just that.
"Is the anxiety because of the fear of you being sick or what is it? I know it's easier said than done but if you pinpoint these things you may take baby steps into overcoming them and not let it control you!" (I hope you don't mind me using this text, Lu! Too late if you do).
Believe me, I want to. Like I said, I deal with it now but it's moments like this when I realise just how much it does actually control my life and I've never been like this before. Mate, vodka used to be my best friend. Any excuse to drink and I was game. I mean, I sound like an alcoholic but I just loved a good well-deserved drink. Nowadays, the thought of drinking is daunting to me. I've thought about it for a long time. I'm not anxious because there's people around me. I can be a people person when I want to be. I'm not anxious because of what I look like. I can dress up or dress down and I'll feel pretty good at myself. I'm anxious because I don't want to over-do it. I don't want to drink too much that I feel ill.
This fear of being ill and this fear of being sick links in with everything I do. I'm not anxious of going to restaurants because there's people around me. The same goes for anything else I feel anxious about. Obviously, if you have anxiety you don't just get anxious about having people around you but I'm just trying to explain that it's something more than this feeling of anxiousness. It all comes down to this fear of being sick: Emetophobia.
I haven't been to the doctors (I probably should) and so I'm not going to 'diagnose' myself but it's the closest I can come to explaining how I feel on a daily basis.
I'm sorry to any of my friends if I've been shit. I know I have. You probably wont believe it since I'm writing this post now and publishing it to a wider audience, but I actually hate talking about my problems and issues. I have no worries writing it all down like this or typing it out to people online but as soon as it comes to speaking face-to-face about my problems, I shut down. So I'm sorry if I cancel on you when we've planned this night out for weeks, or if I decide to decline the offer of going for a meal after work (etc, etc...). I've noticed I have never even explained to most of you how I'm actually feeling and just expect you to understand.
I'm sorry Lewis when I freak out every time we think about lunch or dinner or going to the cinema because I panic that I'll feel ill and wont be able to escape. I'm working on it.
If you've read this far then, thank you, for reading the ramblings of my mind.
That felt good.
Chlo X
It's been a while. I say that every time, right?
Blogging is not something I prioritise anymore, especially with my job becoming slightly more demanding and full-on. I wanted to write about something which has been playing on my mind, though.
So, if you're reading this you're probably wondering 'why I'm old before my time'.
This post has been a long time in the making and I've been put off for a long time. I think that's because I don't fully want to (and haven't) accepted it all myself.
I'm scared.
I'm scared of a lot of things. I'm not your typical introvert but when thinking about the standard check-list for an introvert, I've realised recently I seem to fit the bill. Anxiety controls a lot of my life, and strangely sometimes I'm still in denial that I suffer from it at all. I see posts about anxiety all the time - which is great, I'm glad it's getting the attention it needs. I want people to know about anxiety and about mental health in general as a whole. When reading some of these posts, I often think to myself, 'I don't get like that so I must not have anxiety'. It sounds silly. I've realised that there is more than one type of anxiety and that's okay. I'm not an anxious person. This sounds ridiculous as yes, I do have anxiety, but no I am not an anxious person. When I think of 'anxious' as an adjective and when I describe the word to my students, I explain that to be 'anxious' is to show worry or to feel scared. I'm not worried, I'm not scared. I've never been an introvert - I've never been like this. You don't have to be an introvert to have anxiety but you understand what I'm getting at.
Let me explain. I've never been one to shy away from speaking to people. I teach for a living - I enjoy speaking. The thought of speaking and projecting myself in front of a class of children (no matter what age) did used to terrify me and make me 'anxious' but that was just nerves, not anxiety (and there is a difference!). I don't do things I used to enjoy anymore. I don't go out clubbing anymore. I barely drink anymore. I don't go out for meals anymore. I very rarely eat in front of people anymore. I don't really know who I am anymore. It's strange to me because it's not like I'm unhappy with who I am. I like myself as a person, I'm proud of how far I have come and who I am today. I'm so much happier and more positive than I've been in a long time (perhaps ever). So it's not like I mind my anxiety taking control, of course I don't want it to but I've just gotten used to it I guess. Maybe that's sad, I don't know.
My best friend just messaged me asking if I wanted to go out with her one night. She asks me quite a lot and every time I sort of make up some excuse. I'm sorry Luce, I'm sorry if I'm a shit friend. I don't know why I make up excuses when I know I could just tell the truth and feel 100% better for it. ''I'm sorry I'm not up for going out, it triggers my anxiety" - it could be that simple. In fact, for once I did just that.
"Is the anxiety because of the fear of you being sick or what is it? I know it's easier said than done but if you pinpoint these things you may take baby steps into overcoming them and not let it control you!" (I hope you don't mind me using this text, Lu! Too late if you do).
Believe me, I want to. Like I said, I deal with it now but it's moments like this when I realise just how much it does actually control my life and I've never been like this before. Mate, vodka used to be my best friend. Any excuse to drink and I was game. I mean, I sound like an alcoholic but I just loved a good well-deserved drink. Nowadays, the thought of drinking is daunting to me. I've thought about it for a long time. I'm not anxious because there's people around me. I can be a people person when I want to be. I'm not anxious because of what I look like. I can dress up or dress down and I'll feel pretty good at myself. I'm anxious because I don't want to over-do it. I don't want to drink too much that I feel ill.
This fear of being ill and this fear of being sick links in with everything I do. I'm not anxious of going to restaurants because there's people around me. The same goes for anything else I feel anxious about. Obviously, if you have anxiety you don't just get anxious about having people around you but I'm just trying to explain that it's something more than this feeling of anxiousness. It all comes down to this fear of being sick: Emetophobia.
I haven't been to the doctors (I probably should) and so I'm not going to 'diagnose' myself but it's the closest I can come to explaining how I feel on a daily basis.
I'm sorry to any of my friends if I've been shit. I know I have. You probably wont believe it since I'm writing this post now and publishing it to a wider audience, but I actually hate talking about my problems and issues. I have no worries writing it all down like this or typing it out to people online but as soon as it comes to speaking face-to-face about my problems, I shut down. So I'm sorry if I cancel on you when we've planned this night out for weeks, or if I decide to decline the offer of going for a meal after work (etc, etc...). I've noticed I have never even explained to most of you how I'm actually feeling and just expect you to understand.
I'm sorry Lewis when I freak out every time we think about lunch or dinner or going to the cinema because I panic that I'll feel ill and wont be able to escape. I'm working on it.
If you've read this far then, thank you, for reading the ramblings of my mind.
That felt good.
Chlo X
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