inside the mind
Hello everyone!
I knew that a post on here was long overdue, but I never realise how long I actually leave it until I read back on my old blog posts (which I just did) and I'm like, how does time fly by so quickly?!
Like, last time I updated you guys, I was still in education with a nephew en route and no idea what I was doing with my life. I guess in that case, I write to you with great happiness in saying that I am in a much better place now than I was back then. I have said nephew (he is utterly adorable and makes my heart physically squeeze), I have graduated from University of Brighton now and have a new job as a English Teaching Assistant at Ipswich Academy which I start next week - eeeek! *more on that later*
I didn't even realise just how bad my depression was getting toward the end of University, but honestly everything felt like a chore, I felt as though I had no purpose and times were tough. I was desperate to be back in Ipswich. I think that has made me change my perspective of Ipswich, slightly. I love Hastings, I really do, and I miss the place and the people like crazy. I miss being a student and not getting judged for drinking on a weekday (obviously nothing has stopped me, though). I miss living with my pals and all of us getting together whenever. I miss my whole University experience and I will never forget the memories I had there. But, I do feel as though that chapter of my life is over now. It's a weird feeling, but I'm trying to welcome change. Whenever I was in Ipswich, I never wanted to be in Ipswich. I hated the place, I couldn't wait to leave the depressing little town. Then as soon as I left, I just wanted to be back there. I don't know what it was, but I'm genuinely so much happier now i'm back here. Which makes no sense, really, seen as though I've always wanted to escape the place, but I think that is what has given me a different perspective on the town I call home... that it is, home. No matter where life takes me, no matter where I go, I guess Ipswich will always be home. I've fallen out with a lot of good friends since I've been back here, I don't even know if it's for the best or not. It's really weird because usually this would make my depression and anxiety go into overdrive but I think I've actually dealt with it all pretty well. It is weird how you can have friends that you think are friends for life, and then all of a sudden you're not speaking and you kind of see them for who they really are. I've been trying to appreciate the friends I do still have, and have become very family orientated, whether that be my family or Lewis'. I've learnt to appreciate my own company, and I do a lot of things for myself. Honestly things are looking up for me, so I'm certainly not going to let negative friendships get me down. Although sometimes I do wish I could just start new. Blank canvas.
I think what is keeping me sane is that soon I have a routine to look forward to. I love being lazy but I think there's a time where that has to come to an end and you have to actually get out there and do something with your life. My Summer has lasted a lot longer than the average, and for that I am grateful. I've had a lot of time to myself, a lot of time with Lewis, a lot of time with both our families, my friends and it's been just what I needed. But it can't last forever. Next week I will have officially started my new job and I am absolutely crapping myself. I have a lot of worries and concerns going through my head about the whole ordeal- I'm so apprehensive. I've put a lot of pressure on myself to make this job right, I just need it to be perfect and then I can settle and be happy. I just want to love it, I'm so scared I'm going to be absolutely rubbish and I've signed a contract with them for a year. I'm worried about the early hours and long days as it is far from what I'm used to, I'm worried I'm not even going to be good at English - it's been a while and now I'm going to be helping to teach it! I've genuinely been having nightmares about this... what if someone asks me what something is or what something means and I don't even know?! How can I be an influential figure to them if I don't even know the difference between a frickin' adjective and adverb?! (I do, but that is besides the point).
I can't speak anymore on this topic as there is an 80% chance I will have a panic attack. I just hope I can tolerate it at least, I feel as though a lot is riding on this for me and it's very overwhelming. I just wish I could get away with doing YouTube full-time. I've got a little channel*, and I've not put even half as much effort into it as I want to. I feel as though I have so many ideas I want to put in action, and I love everything to do with YouTube. I wish I had the money to just buy myself a fuck off camera, loads of good lights and back-drops and just do it, but that's not realistic. Maybe one day.
I feel as though I have ranted on for a while now, if you've read this far then you're a champ. Another blog post coming in the near future on the games Lewis and I have been playing on PS4 recently if that's of any interest to any of you!
Chlo X
(* Self-promo. YouTube: 'Chloe Garnham')
I knew that a post on here was long overdue, but I never realise how long I actually leave it until I read back on my old blog posts (which I just did) and I'm like, how does time fly by so quickly?!
Like, last time I updated you guys, I was still in education with a nephew en route and no idea what I was doing with my life. I guess in that case, I write to you with great happiness in saying that I am in a much better place now than I was back then. I have said nephew (he is utterly adorable and makes my heart physically squeeze), I have graduated from University of Brighton now and have a new job as a English Teaching Assistant at Ipswich Academy which I start next week - eeeek! *more on that later*
I didn't even realise just how bad my depression was getting toward the end of University, but honestly everything felt like a chore, I felt as though I had no purpose and times were tough. I was desperate to be back in Ipswich. I think that has made me change my perspective of Ipswich, slightly. I love Hastings, I really do, and I miss the place and the people like crazy. I miss being a student and not getting judged for drinking on a weekday (obviously nothing has stopped me, though). I miss living with my pals and all of us getting together whenever. I miss my whole University experience and I will never forget the memories I had there. But, I do feel as though that chapter of my life is over now. It's a weird feeling, but I'm trying to welcome change. Whenever I was in Ipswich, I never wanted to be in Ipswich. I hated the place, I couldn't wait to leave the depressing little town. Then as soon as I left, I just wanted to be back there. I don't know what it was, but I'm genuinely so much happier now i'm back here. Which makes no sense, really, seen as though I've always wanted to escape the place, but I think that is what has given me a different perspective on the town I call home... that it is, home. No matter where life takes me, no matter where I go, I guess Ipswich will always be home. I've fallen out with a lot of good friends since I've been back here, I don't even know if it's for the best or not. It's really weird because usually this would make my depression and anxiety go into overdrive but I think I've actually dealt with it all pretty well. It is weird how you can have friends that you think are friends for life, and then all of a sudden you're not speaking and you kind of see them for who they really are. I've been trying to appreciate the friends I do still have, and have become very family orientated, whether that be my family or Lewis'. I've learnt to appreciate my own company, and I do a lot of things for myself. Honestly things are looking up for me, so I'm certainly not going to let negative friendships get me down. Although sometimes I do wish I could just start new. Blank canvas.
I think what is keeping me sane is that soon I have a routine to look forward to. I love being lazy but I think there's a time where that has to come to an end and you have to actually get out there and do something with your life. My Summer has lasted a lot longer than the average, and for that I am grateful. I've had a lot of time to myself, a lot of time with Lewis, a lot of time with both our families, my friends and it's been just what I needed. But it can't last forever. Next week I will have officially started my new job and I am absolutely crapping myself. I have a lot of worries and concerns going through my head about the whole ordeal- I'm so apprehensive. I've put a lot of pressure on myself to make this job right, I just need it to be perfect and then I can settle and be happy. I just want to love it, I'm so scared I'm going to be absolutely rubbish and I've signed a contract with them for a year. I'm worried about the early hours and long days as it is far from what I'm used to, I'm worried I'm not even going to be good at English - it's been a while and now I'm going to be helping to teach it! I've genuinely been having nightmares about this... what if someone asks me what something is or what something means and I don't even know?! How can I be an influential figure to them if I don't even know the difference between a frickin' adjective and adverb?! (I do, but that is besides the point).
I can't speak anymore on this topic as there is an 80% chance I will have a panic attack. I just hope I can tolerate it at least, I feel as though a lot is riding on this for me and it's very overwhelming. I just wish I could get away with doing YouTube full-time. I've got a little channel*, and I've not put even half as much effort into it as I want to. I feel as though I have so many ideas I want to put in action, and I love everything to do with YouTube. I wish I had the money to just buy myself a fuck off camera, loads of good lights and back-drops and just do it, but that's not realistic. Maybe one day.
I feel as though I have ranted on for a while now, if you've read this far then you're a champ. Another blog post coming in the near future on the games Lewis and I have been playing on PS4 recently if that's of any interest to any of you!
Chlo X
(* Self-promo. YouTube: 'Chloe Garnham')
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