Life in a bubble
Holla!
Wow, it really has been a while since I last blogged, soz.
I've been attempting to write this post for roughly around a week now, I keep stopping and starting and editing and deleting and second guessing and ugh. I think I'm ready.
Edit: since writing that, I realised I wasn't ready and left it for another few days until here I am: ready. I think.
This post is going to be a very honest one because frankly it's my blog and I can write what I want- I will most likely ramble so I'm giving you the opportunity to stop reading now if you're not feelin' it cause it gets a little deep, SOZ. It's a little bit personal for me, I'm kinda worried about putting it out there in such a public space but I feel like I owe it to myself so if you've decided to stick with me, things haven't been the best for me for a while now. I want to make this as little 'woe is me' as possible because I don't need sympathy in the slightest, I will deal with my shit and I will be better than ever before. And I don't want it to be a negative thing, I want it to be a nice thing and a raising awareness type of deal. I have decided to write about this mainly for myself, because I am learning every day to be kinder to myself and in doing that, I think it is important for me to be honest with myself and let it all out. I've also decided to document my 'road to discovery' so I can look back and appreciate how much I have achieved.
I guess it all started last year, when I developed anxiety. Anxiety is honestly something that affects me near enough every day. I saw a post on Tumblr a few days ago, you know those posts where you're just like "PREACH!", this was one of those for me, it read: "anxiety isn't that bad" yes it is. Anxiety makes you sit there and overthink every single thing. At times it makes you think people in your life are leaving you. You begin to feel abandoned, and not worth anything because the most important person/people in your life don't want you. So you push away for fear of being hurt. You push them away so they can't discard you or leave you. When in reality, nobody was ever leaving. Anxiety this bad makes you leave the ones you love. It sucks."
Everybody gets waves of anxiety throughout their lives at some point, period. But my anxiety is a lot more constant and affects my daily activities, to the point where it has almost made me house bound this whole four months of Summer. I have barely left my house, not even really because I haven't been invited out- I have.. more so because I am so anxious that I cant bring myself to do anything. It has only been the last week or so that I have really tried to force myself to go out because I had been missing out on so much just because I didn't have the motivation or energy to do anything. I even managed to get myself a little job just so that I could force myself to leave the house, that did help me a little, it felt nice to not feel trapped inside my own home and to have a reason to get up and out and I met some truly lovely people and even had a night out and got pleasantly merry which was something I hadn't done since my 21st birthday in July. My anxiety makes me feel drained and I constantly rely on chewing gum, which is a weird thing that I can't go a day without because it helps me to feel better when I'm having a bad anxiety day, or even when I'm not. It has made me feel so isolated that I have had arguments with a lot of close people in my life because of the fact I have been feeling left behind, as though everyone is still running the race and I had to stop for breath.
It got really bad a couple of weeks back where I had to take a 'break' from my amazing boyfriend Lewis. I don't agree with the term 'break', we never broke up and we were never going to break up. I was just relying on him far too much and it was unhealthy and above all, unfair. I'm speaking as though this is all past tense, unfortunately it isn't. I still rely on Lewis a lot for my own happiness but I am fortunate that I realised this sooner rather than later and seeked help. I was having a lot of bad thoughts and they were taking over. I spend a lot of time with Lewis, we see one another almost every day and he is my best friend, but it got to the point where I would be annoyed if he wanted to go home and do something other than seeing me, because I was jealous I didn't want to do anything else and my anxiety makes it hard for me to be alone because I just think and think and think. I felt like I had nothing to do without him and not a lot I even wanted to do without him. I had been using him as a crutch and not as a comfort. We needed balance but I had no idea how to get that because I was so scared of being apart from him. There would be moments where I would just cry for no reason and he would ask why I'm sad and I would say everything and I would be so angry at myself and I wasn't trying to be melodramatic but I just felt so stuck in my body and he wouldn't know how to help and he didn't know why I was crying and I probably didn't either but I just felt worse than ever before and I couldn't see a future where I was happy, all I felt was that life was so long. We're dealing with it now and Lewis has been nothing short of perfect to me throughout, I am so blessed and grateful to have someone so kind hearted in my life. I'm aware that this makes me sound like a crazy lady who hides behind closed curtains looking out at the world and sometimes it can be like that, shutting the blinds, not speaking to anyone and having those I can't get out of bed days. To be honest that has been me this Summer- lol, but I am not like that, hence why I reached out for help. A lot of people suffer from anxiety, it is very common, you probably wouldn't even know just how many people suffer from it without you even knowing. You just learn how to live with it and how to cope with it. I can function and a lot of the time I do everything I'm supposed to do but it's the feeling that comes with it which is just pure emptiness, you don't feel hopeful and you have no joy in your heart and it's very much like you just plough through and every day is a struggle and a chore, it took me a long time to realise that actually that isn't normal and that is not what life is supposed to be. But it is not something that has to tie you down, for many people it is in the background of everything they do. Unfortunately for me this Summer it has been in the foreground of everything I do.
After ages of saying I would seek help, after many arguments along the way and after living in my own little bubble for so long, I finally did something about it a week or so ago. I guess I thought it would just go away, but sadly it never did. I was diagnosed with clinical depression, which was a bit of an unexpected hiccup for me. It made me feel weak and worthless and to me that felt like I had lost the fight already. But a lovely friend of mine called Issy explained to me that you shouldn't feel scrutinised for spending time with people who improve your energy and your ability to be you. Which is so true and I have started seeing it in a more positive light, because honestly there are too many people that see depression as an illness and a bad thing. Lewis said to me that it is just a chemical imbalance, he said "it will soon sort itself out and you will feel happier once the imbalance has sorted out, you just need a little help getting there" and since then I have loved viewing it in that way and after being prescribed to my anti depressants I have started viewing it in the sense that, someone with asthma would use an inhaler to help them breathe and someone with a broken foot would use crutches to help them walk, I just take pills to make me happier. And that is okay. I never wanted to go on antidepressants because I heard that a lot of people rely on them and I never wanted to be like that, but now I just see it as they are helping me to get through this little stage and out of this hole I have dug myself into and then once I'm out and I'm feeling better I can hopefully ween off them and be able to be happy without any help. I feel like I have definitely had depression for a lot longer than I have been letting myself believe, I had waves of depression after a break up and also after my mama's surrogacy so I knew this feeling wasn't totally alien to me but I felt like I was just overreacting so I never got help because I thought it would just go away and I would ride it through, which to be fair it did for a while but it just says hello every now and then. Which is okay.
It was a very scary moment for me when I started taking the pills because once you start, you can't just stop. It is very daunting knowing that you're almost stuck with them and you can't just give up on them suddenly because you'll probably have a come down from hell and feel 10x worse than before. Thankfully my wonderful best friend Madz made me feel loads at ease about them and shared her experiences which made me feel a lot more positive about it. Today is the third day I have been on my anti-depressants and although I doubt they have kicked in by now, I do weirdly feel slightly more positive, but I don't know if that's just a false sense of security thing but I'm going with it. I didn't really do anything yesterday bar cook dinner for my family but I still had fun whilst doing it which made a big change for me because days doing nothing are usually my worst. I go back to Uni in a matter of weeks and I'm shitting my panties about being away from Lewis and dealing with third year with depression and anxiety but I'm a fearless bitch and I got dis. Also my friends at Uni are totally rad and supportive so thank you all for bein' cute.
I will probably continue to blog about my experience with my anti-depressants along the way as I think if I ever decide to come off of them, it will be nice for me to look back and be all happy about how much of a fab human being I am.
Peace, love and bear hugs.
Chlo
xx
Wow, it really has been a while since I last blogged, soz.
I've been attempting to write this post for roughly around a week now, I keep stopping and starting and editing and deleting and second guessing and ugh. I think I'm ready.
Edit: since writing that, I realised I wasn't ready and left it for another few days until here I am: ready. I think.
This post is going to be a very honest one because frankly it's my blog and I can write what I want- I will most likely ramble so I'm giving you the opportunity to stop reading now if you're not feelin' it cause it gets a little deep, SOZ. It's a little bit personal for me, I'm kinda worried about putting it out there in such a public space but I feel like I owe it to myself so if you've decided to stick with me, things haven't been the best for me for a while now. I want to make this as little 'woe is me' as possible because I don't need sympathy in the slightest, I will deal with my shit and I will be better than ever before. And I don't want it to be a negative thing, I want it to be a nice thing and a raising awareness type of deal. I have decided to write about this mainly for myself, because I am learning every day to be kinder to myself and in doing that, I think it is important for me to be honest with myself and let it all out. I've also decided to document my 'road to discovery' so I can look back and appreciate how much I have achieved.
I guess it all started last year, when I developed anxiety. Anxiety is honestly something that affects me near enough every day. I saw a post on Tumblr a few days ago, you know those posts where you're just like "PREACH!", this was one of those for me, it read: "anxiety isn't that bad" yes it is. Anxiety makes you sit there and overthink every single thing. At times it makes you think people in your life are leaving you. You begin to feel abandoned, and not worth anything because the most important person/people in your life don't want you. So you push away for fear of being hurt. You push them away so they can't discard you or leave you. When in reality, nobody was ever leaving. Anxiety this bad makes you leave the ones you love. It sucks."
Everybody gets waves of anxiety throughout their lives at some point, period. But my anxiety is a lot more constant and affects my daily activities, to the point where it has almost made me house bound this whole four months of Summer. I have barely left my house, not even really because I haven't been invited out- I have.. more so because I am so anxious that I cant bring myself to do anything. It has only been the last week or so that I have really tried to force myself to go out because I had been missing out on so much just because I didn't have the motivation or energy to do anything. I even managed to get myself a little job just so that I could force myself to leave the house, that did help me a little, it felt nice to not feel trapped inside my own home and to have a reason to get up and out and I met some truly lovely people and even had a night out and got pleasantly merry which was something I hadn't done since my 21st birthday in July. My anxiety makes me feel drained and I constantly rely on chewing gum, which is a weird thing that I can't go a day without because it helps me to feel better when I'm having a bad anxiety day, or even when I'm not. It has made me feel so isolated that I have had arguments with a lot of close people in my life because of the fact I have been feeling left behind, as though everyone is still running the race and I had to stop for breath.
It got really bad a couple of weeks back where I had to take a 'break' from my amazing boyfriend Lewis. I don't agree with the term 'break', we never broke up and we were never going to break up. I was just relying on him far too much and it was unhealthy and above all, unfair. I'm speaking as though this is all past tense, unfortunately it isn't. I still rely on Lewis a lot for my own happiness but I am fortunate that I realised this sooner rather than later and seeked help. I was having a lot of bad thoughts and they were taking over. I spend a lot of time with Lewis, we see one another almost every day and he is my best friend, but it got to the point where I would be annoyed if he wanted to go home and do something other than seeing me, because I was jealous I didn't want to do anything else and my anxiety makes it hard for me to be alone because I just think and think and think. I felt like I had nothing to do without him and not a lot I even wanted to do without him. I had been using him as a crutch and not as a comfort. We needed balance but I had no idea how to get that because I was so scared of being apart from him. There would be moments where I would just cry for no reason and he would ask why I'm sad and I would say everything and I would be so angry at myself and I wasn't trying to be melodramatic but I just felt so stuck in my body and he wouldn't know how to help and he didn't know why I was crying and I probably didn't either but I just felt worse than ever before and I couldn't see a future where I was happy, all I felt was that life was so long. We're dealing with it now and Lewis has been nothing short of perfect to me throughout, I am so blessed and grateful to have someone so kind hearted in my life. I'm aware that this makes me sound like a crazy lady who hides behind closed curtains looking out at the world and sometimes it can be like that, shutting the blinds, not speaking to anyone and having those I can't get out of bed days. To be honest that has been me this Summer- lol, but I am not like that, hence why I reached out for help. A lot of people suffer from anxiety, it is very common, you probably wouldn't even know just how many people suffer from it without you even knowing. You just learn how to live with it and how to cope with it. I can function and a lot of the time I do everything I'm supposed to do but it's the feeling that comes with it which is just pure emptiness, you don't feel hopeful and you have no joy in your heart and it's very much like you just plough through and every day is a struggle and a chore, it took me a long time to realise that actually that isn't normal and that is not what life is supposed to be. But it is not something that has to tie you down, for many people it is in the background of everything they do. Unfortunately for me this Summer it has been in the foreground of everything I do.
After ages of saying I would seek help, after many arguments along the way and after living in my own little bubble for so long, I finally did something about it a week or so ago. I guess I thought it would just go away, but sadly it never did. I was diagnosed with clinical depression, which was a bit of an unexpected hiccup for me. It made me feel weak and worthless and to me that felt like I had lost the fight already. But a lovely friend of mine called Issy explained to me that you shouldn't feel scrutinised for spending time with people who improve your energy and your ability to be you. Which is so true and I have started seeing it in a more positive light, because honestly there are too many people that see depression as an illness and a bad thing. Lewis said to me that it is just a chemical imbalance, he said "it will soon sort itself out and you will feel happier once the imbalance has sorted out, you just need a little help getting there" and since then I have loved viewing it in that way and after being prescribed to my anti depressants I have started viewing it in the sense that, someone with asthma would use an inhaler to help them breathe and someone with a broken foot would use crutches to help them walk, I just take pills to make me happier. And that is okay. I never wanted to go on antidepressants because I heard that a lot of people rely on them and I never wanted to be like that, but now I just see it as they are helping me to get through this little stage and out of this hole I have dug myself into and then once I'm out and I'm feeling better I can hopefully ween off them and be able to be happy without any help. I feel like I have definitely had depression for a lot longer than I have been letting myself believe, I had waves of depression after a break up and also after my mama's surrogacy so I knew this feeling wasn't totally alien to me but I felt like I was just overreacting so I never got help because I thought it would just go away and I would ride it through, which to be fair it did for a while but it just says hello every now and then. Which is okay.
It was a very scary moment for me when I started taking the pills because once you start, you can't just stop. It is very daunting knowing that you're almost stuck with them and you can't just give up on them suddenly because you'll probably have a come down from hell and feel 10x worse than before. Thankfully my wonderful best friend Madz made me feel loads at ease about them and shared her experiences which made me feel a lot more positive about it. Today is the third day I have been on my anti-depressants and although I doubt they have kicked in by now, I do weirdly feel slightly more positive, but I don't know if that's just a false sense of security thing but I'm going with it. I didn't really do anything yesterday bar cook dinner for my family but I still had fun whilst doing it which made a big change for me because days doing nothing are usually my worst. I go back to Uni in a matter of weeks and I'm shitting my panties about being away from Lewis and dealing with third year with depression and anxiety but I'm a fearless bitch and I got dis. Also my friends at Uni are totally rad and supportive so thank you all for bein' cute.
I will probably continue to blog about my experience with my anti-depressants along the way as I think if I ever decide to come off of them, it will be nice for me to look back and be all happy about how much of a fab human being I am.
Peace, love and bear hugs.
Chlo
xx
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