A post seemingly about guys
Hey guys, sorry it's kind of been a while since I last blogged. There's been so many things I have wanted to say but there's always that fear of saying something and it not coming across to readers as you'd like and simply not knowing exactly how to portray your thoughts and feelings in a way that people will understand.
This year has been pretty shit for me when I think about it. Although I have never been the kind of person to live with regrets, there's many things I would do differently if I could. Though, I think, if I did change those things, would I be who I am today? Would have I learned and progressed how I have? Life is weird. And things have peculiar ways of working out.
At the start of this year, I was genuinely so happy. Obviously I was at Uni and stuff and after the Christmas holidays I had realised a lot. I was in a really good place. I had this guy, (for the purpose of this post I will name him 'Mr Undecided'), who seemed to be besotted in me, for reasons I still don't understand even today and he made me feel good, the kind of I-woke-up-like-this good. Every day I was reminded of the fact that he really enjoyed me, that was a feeling I hadn't felt in a long time. He just wanted to see me and be in my company, I really wasn't used to that. My ex boyfriend cheated on me several times in our almost 2 year relationship (let's name him 'dick', speaks for itself) and that just confirmed my lack of trust in guys. I should mention here that I realise all guys are not the same, but I have yet to be proven wrong, I guess. I was young and naive when with 'dick' so I felt like I was utterly heartbroken but looking back, I probably wasn't in love. I had a lot of time to get over that relationship and I really needed that. Then the only real 'thing' I had since 'dick' was with 'Here and there', a guy I was seeing before I came to Uni. He was lovely and I completely fancied the pants off of him but with us both moving to Uni, our brief romance came to an end. He was always here and there anyway, I can't deal with making all of the effort and never getting any in return! After that I vowed to never do that again, but I guess I don't always learn from my mistakes, I'm only human.
I met 'Mr Undecided' when I was still sort of seeing 'here and there', I wasn't interested at first at all but something about him captivated me and that something soon became everything. To cut a long story short, things were dying out with 'here and there' anyway and things with 'Mr Undecided' were going really nicely, although I still wasn't even sure at first if I wanted anything out of it, hence him being called 'Mr Undecided'. When I think about it now, this guy quickly became such a big part of my life. Since the start of this year, he has always been around with him going to my Uni and everything. Christmas period we were talking, he sent me flowers that weren't from my Mum for a change, that was probably one of the sweetest things any guy has ever done for me. Then in January we started dating, so ever since he's always been around in some way or another, and even before this. We went through a lot in our almost 5 month relationship but like most things, it had to end some day. When I say we went through a lot together, I mean, I can't thank him enough for being the nicest, most genuine guy I have ever had the privilege of knowing, let alone dating.
Things between us didn't end badly, for which I am grateful. But I can only wish he tried a little harder, but that says more about him, I feel, than it does me. As it was so easy for me to show my affection towards him, I can honestly say I was in love with that guy, the break up is still pretty raw for me so my feelings haven't just died. But I've realised everything he did was because he thought it was for the best. I guess time will only show me if that is true. I find it so annoying when I think back to how unphased I was at the start to how completely phased I am now, it's like there's been a role reversal. But I will always look at mine and his relationship in a positive way. I still can't say a bad word about him, and I wouldn't want to. He deserves so much, it's a shame he can't get that from me anymore.
I guess I've always been wary of guys as I don't have a relationship with my Father. He's not a very nice man and to cut communication with him was my idea completely, I do not regret that one bit. But I hate that that has changed my view of men. No one has yet proved to me that they can actually show me they care, 'Mr.Undecided' did at first, but couldn't keep it up. Which only tells me one thing; he no longer cared. I need stability, if you care about me, let me know! It shouldn't be difficult, it should be effortless.
I can't wait for the Summer holidays. I've pretty much been through hell and back this year so far and we are only in May. I realise I relied on 'Mr.Undecided' a lot, but not for my own happiness, just for some stability, so I didn't feel like I was trying to conquer the world alone. He never made me feel like that. As cringe as it is, I wouldn't be able to get through this break up if it wasn't for the upcoming holiday. I need to be surrounded by my friends and family, to find myself again. I look back to the start of this year and somewhere along the line I have lost myself, not completely, but I have lost a bit of me which I am determined to get back. 'Mr.Undecided' told me I need to sort myself out, at first I was offended, but now I am glad my eyes have been opened. I can't wait to come back in September feeling myself again, just regenerated.
In September I am going to be living with 9 of the best people I have ever met and I couldn't be more excited. It really sucks that 'Mr.Undecided' chose to give up on me, it hurts when someone no longer wants to stick by you in your journey. It hurts that things between us will never be the same as they were but I will grow from it. It's a life lesson. I want to thank my friends here for helping me through shit times, genuinely can't wait to make more memories with you all like we have this first year of Uni. To my friends and family at home, lets make this summer amazing. Thank you for being that stability in my life. And to 'dick', 'here and there' and 'mr.undecided', thank you for letting me learn from those experiences. Deuces, x
This year has been pretty shit for me when I think about it. Although I have never been the kind of person to live with regrets, there's many things I would do differently if I could. Though, I think, if I did change those things, would I be who I am today? Would have I learned and progressed how I have? Life is weird. And things have peculiar ways of working out.
At the start of this year, I was genuinely so happy. Obviously I was at Uni and stuff and after the Christmas holidays I had realised a lot. I was in a really good place. I had this guy, (for the purpose of this post I will name him 'Mr Undecided'), who seemed to be besotted in me, for reasons I still don't understand even today and he made me feel good, the kind of I-woke-up-like-this good. Every day I was reminded of the fact that he really enjoyed me, that was a feeling I hadn't felt in a long time. He just wanted to see me and be in my company, I really wasn't used to that. My ex boyfriend cheated on me several times in our almost 2 year relationship (let's name him 'dick', speaks for itself) and that just confirmed my lack of trust in guys. I should mention here that I realise all guys are not the same, but I have yet to be proven wrong, I guess. I was young and naive when with 'dick' so I felt like I was utterly heartbroken but looking back, I probably wasn't in love. I had a lot of time to get over that relationship and I really needed that. Then the only real 'thing' I had since 'dick' was with 'Here and there', a guy I was seeing before I came to Uni. He was lovely and I completely fancied the pants off of him but with us both moving to Uni, our brief romance came to an end. He was always here and there anyway, I can't deal with making all of the effort and never getting any in return! After that I vowed to never do that again, but I guess I don't always learn from my mistakes, I'm only human.
I met 'Mr Undecided' when I was still sort of seeing 'here and there', I wasn't interested at first at all but something about him captivated me and that something soon became everything. To cut a long story short, things were dying out with 'here and there' anyway and things with 'Mr Undecided' were going really nicely, although I still wasn't even sure at first if I wanted anything out of it, hence him being called 'Mr Undecided'. When I think about it now, this guy quickly became such a big part of my life. Since the start of this year, he has always been around with him going to my Uni and everything. Christmas period we were talking, he sent me flowers that weren't from my Mum for a change, that was probably one of the sweetest things any guy has ever done for me. Then in January we started dating, so ever since he's always been around in some way or another, and even before this. We went through a lot in our almost 5 month relationship but like most things, it had to end some day. When I say we went through a lot together, I mean, I can't thank him enough for being the nicest, most genuine guy I have ever had the privilege of knowing, let alone dating.
Things between us didn't end badly, for which I am grateful. But I can only wish he tried a little harder, but that says more about him, I feel, than it does me. As it was so easy for me to show my affection towards him, I can honestly say I was in love with that guy, the break up is still pretty raw for me so my feelings haven't just died. But I've realised everything he did was because he thought it was for the best. I guess time will only show me if that is true. I find it so annoying when I think back to how unphased I was at the start to how completely phased I am now, it's like there's been a role reversal. But I will always look at mine and his relationship in a positive way. I still can't say a bad word about him, and I wouldn't want to. He deserves so much, it's a shame he can't get that from me anymore.
I guess I've always been wary of guys as I don't have a relationship with my Father. He's not a very nice man and to cut communication with him was my idea completely, I do not regret that one bit. But I hate that that has changed my view of men. No one has yet proved to me that they can actually show me they care, 'Mr.Undecided' did at first, but couldn't keep it up. Which only tells me one thing; he no longer cared. I need stability, if you care about me, let me know! It shouldn't be difficult, it should be effortless.
I can't wait for the Summer holidays. I've pretty much been through hell and back this year so far and we are only in May. I realise I relied on 'Mr.Undecided' a lot, but not for my own happiness, just for some stability, so I didn't feel like I was trying to conquer the world alone. He never made me feel like that. As cringe as it is, I wouldn't be able to get through this break up if it wasn't for the upcoming holiday. I need to be surrounded by my friends and family, to find myself again. I look back to the start of this year and somewhere along the line I have lost myself, not completely, but I have lost a bit of me which I am determined to get back. 'Mr.Undecided' told me I need to sort myself out, at first I was offended, but now I am glad my eyes have been opened. I can't wait to come back in September feeling myself again, just regenerated.
In September I am going to be living with 9 of the best people I have ever met and I couldn't be more excited. It really sucks that 'Mr.Undecided' chose to give up on me, it hurts when someone no longer wants to stick by you in your journey. It hurts that things between us will never be the same as they were but I will grow from it. It's a life lesson. I want to thank my friends here for helping me through shit times, genuinely can't wait to make more memories with you all like we have this first year of Uni. To my friends and family at home, lets make this summer amazing. Thank you for being that stability in my life. And to 'dick', 'here and there' and 'mr.undecided', thank you for letting me learn from those experiences. Deuces, x
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